About Morty

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So far Morty has created 27 blog entries.
  • Morty3.10

The Industrial Chew Toy Complex

By |March 18th, 2016|

If humans got one thing right, it’s the IRS. Wonderful profession. More of a calling than a job really. If I understand Mr. Baxter correctly, it’s an entire agency that sneaks around making sure everybody else is on the up and up. Newsflash puppies: That’s what I do everyday—have been for the better part of [...]

  • morty 3.2

The Operation

By |March 4th, 2016|

As I was saying, Sparky had been spending most of his afternoons on the loose. “I’m in love, Morty,” he’d explained. We had a perimeter to manage but I covered for him in the backyard while he did heaven-only-knows down the street at Sally’s house. Don’t get me started. I will say that his escape [...]

  • morty2.17

Morty Takes on The WKC

By |February 19th, 2016|

Newsflash Westminster Kennel Club: it’s 2016. “Non-sporting” and “Toy”? Are you serious!? Two words: systemic discrimination. Don’t get me started. Oh sure, round up all the Chihuahuas and Shih Tzus and don’t let them compete with the big dogs. While you’re at it, why not officially name the category after something that also means “an [...]

  • morty2.10

Sparky Follows His Heart

By |February 11th, 2016|

Sparky’s daring performance at The Academy succeeded in more ways than one. Mr. Sheeler, who never liked dogs in the first place, retired. Apparently that incident was the final straw. He told Mrs. Baxter that “never in his 25 years as a canine disciplinarian had he encountered a creature as deranged, insolent, neurotic, and beyond [...]

  • MortyHatGrabpsd

Sparky Impresses Sally

By |February 3rd, 2016|

Most of the puppies at Mr. Sheeler’s Academy For Bad Dogs had been enrolled in an effort to address minor canine infractions—walking too fast when out and about, growling at strangers, answering nature’s call in a manner unbecoming, etc.—all stuff that for the most part could be chalked up to the same endemic lack of [...]

  • MortyInstagram

Morty Loses His Train of Thought

By |January 28th, 2016|

In other news puppies: Adorable lacks function. And it’s no substitute for a career in public service. Of course, these days life’s all about happy-fun-time and whatever synthetic bobble these enablers nabbed from the dollar bin at Petco. Awww, tummy ache wittle fella? That’s what happens when you chew on Chinese plastic. Don’t get me [...]

  • MortySally

Sparky Falls In Love

By |January 21st, 2016|

It was no secret that Mr. Sheeler—who always wore a full brim hat, polarized shades and a thick layer of zinc oxide on his nose—didn’t like dogs. He said as much to new recruits on the first session of his six week course: “Let’s get one thing straight, I don’t like dogs.” Don’t get me [...]

  • MortyObedienceFinal

Sparky Goes to Obedience School

By |January 14th, 2016|

I hear a lot of puppies are going to obedience school and coming out with nothing to show for it except unrealistic expectations, debt and unmarketable skillsets. My neighbor Vern said that’s probably the reason they’re always excited about begging for food and doing pointless stuff. Don’t get me started. I come from a different [...]

  • MortyBeer

Another Big Misunderstanding

By |January 6th, 2016|

Tuck, the teenager down the street, was trouble personified. Don’t get me started. And ever since his acquisition of a crossbow, an irresponsible Christmas gift from his incarcerated uncle Jim, the neighborhood had been experiencing a suspicious escalation in unsolved misdemeanors involving dead birds and flat tires. I barked a lot but the powers that [...]

  • mortyPaperBoyFinal

Badgers and the Power of Suggestion

By |December 30th, 2015|

Unfortunate consequences aside, Sparky’s attempt to unleash his inner wolf had technically succeeded. Even Vern said that the collateral damage (automotive collision, power outage, requisitioned pizzas) was “remarkably consistent with what one might expect from a top predator engaged in a hunt on the civilized streets of Lake View Terrace.” But Mrs. Baxter had had [...]