If humans got one thing right, it’s the IRS. Wonderful profession. More of a calling than a job really. If I understand Mr. Baxter correctly, it’s an entire agency that sneaks around making sure everybody else is on the up and up. Newsflash puppies: That’s what I do everyday—have been for the better part of [...]

As I was saying, Sparky had been spending most of his afternoons on the loose. “I’m in love, Morty,” he’d explained. We had a perimeter to manage but I covered for him in the backyard while he did heaven-only-knows down the street at Sally’s house. Don’t get me started. I will say that his escape [...]

Newsflash Westminster Kennel Club: it’s 2016. “Non-sporting” and “Toy”? Are you serious!? Two words: systemic discrimination. Don’t get me started. Oh sure, round up all the Chihuahuas and Shih Tzus and don’t let them compete with the big dogs. While you’re at it, why not officially name the category after something that also means “an [...]

Sparky’s daring performance at The Academy succeeded in more ways than one. Mr. Sheeler, who never liked dogs in the first place, retired. Apparently that incident was the final straw. He told Mrs. Baxter that “never in his 25 years as a canine disciplinarian had he encountered a creature as deranged, insolent, neurotic, and beyond [...]

Most of the puppies at Mr. Sheeler’s Academy For Bad Dogs had been enrolled in an effort to address minor canine infractions—walking too fast when out and about, growling at strangers, answering nature’s call in a manner unbecoming, etc.—all stuff that for the most part could be chalked up to the same endemic lack of [...]

In other news puppies: Adorable lacks function. And it’s no substitute for a career in public service. Of course, these days life’s all about happy-fun-time and whatever synthetic bobble these enablers nabbed from the dollar bin at Petco. Awww, tummy ache wittle fella? That’s what happens when you chew on Chinese plastic. Don’t get me [...]

It was no secret that Mr. Sheeler—who always wore a full brim hat, polarized shades and a thick layer of zinc oxide on his nose—didn’t like dogs. He said as much to new recruits on the first session of his six week course: “Let’s get one thing straight, I don’t like dogs.” Don’t get me [...]

Tuck, the teenager down the street, was trouble personified. Don’t get me started. And ever since his acquisition of a crossbow, an irresponsible Christmas gift from his incarcerated uncle Jim, the neighborhood had been experiencing a suspicious escalation in unsolved misdemeanors involving dead birds and flat tires. I barked a lot but the powers that [...]

Unfortunate consequences aside, Sparky’s attempt to unleash his inner wolf had technically succeeded. Even Vern said that the collateral damage (automotive collision, power outage, requisitioned pizzas) was “remarkably consistent with what one might expect from a top predator engaged in a hunt on the civilized streets of Lake View Terrace.” But Mrs. Baxter had had [...]