Newsflash Westminster Kennel Club: it’s 2016. “Non-sporting” and “Toy”? Are you serious!? Two words: systemic discrimination. Don’t get me started. Oh sure, round up all the Chihuahuas and Shih Tzus and don’t let them compete with the big dogs. While you’re at it, why not officially name the category after something that also means “an object for a child to play with, typically a model or miniature replica of something.” Unbelievable! I happen to know a Tea Cup Chihuahua named Pete who once, according to him, single-handedly rescued a clumsy Border collie who’d somehow or other managed to fall down a well. I admit the physics are sketchy and exposed wells are exceedingly rare these days and that the whole thing bears an uncanny resemblance to an episode of Lassie, but I for one believe him. And did you know that Benji—the greatest mutt who ever lived—was part Tibetan Terrier? That’s a fact but get this: According to these elitist half-wits at the WKC, that honorable breed is relegated to the “Non-sporting” fringe of their so-called “prestigious” competition. Shocked yet? I was too. On top of that, apparently mutts like me—mixed-breeds who tackle overwhelming odds with grit, determination and courage on a daily basis—aren’t even eligible for their “Best In Show”? More like Best In Stupid-o. Don’t get me started. Of course, don’t expect to hear anything about this in the mainstream media. Newsflash puppies: it’s all owned by the corporations. Nobody believes me but I think even The Droolitzer’s star reporter, Bogart the Bulldog, might be on the take from Purina®. I’m just saying he has a lot of chew toys and peanut butter for a newspaper dog and part-time gardener. But hey, I have nothing against the guy—he’s an excellent writer and one of the most intrepid canine journalists out there—I just hope his credibility hasn’t been compromised. That’s all. Which reminds me of the time my pal Sparky’s credibility was, for a fact, compromised.
Happy BIRTHDAY CHUNKY!!!This birthday boy deserves every lick of his cake. Put your paws together for our favorite @bigchunkymonkey and his St. Patrick's birthday!
Morty Exposes The Industrial Chew Toy Complex
If humans got one thing right, it’s the IRS. Wonderful profession. More of a calling than a job really. If I understand Mr. Baxter correctly, it’s an entire agency that sneaks around making sure everybody else is on the up and up. Newsflash puppies: That’s what I do everyday—have been for the better part of a decade. Don’t get me started. Of course sometimes I don’t know why I bother. Most puppies are hopeless. It’s all entitlement and excess with these goofballs. Doggles®? Are you serious!? Ha! I can see fine without “stylish protective eyeware” thank you very much. Who comes up with this junk? When I was a puppy I had one tennis ball. One. Kept it for three years and it wasn’t even new to begin with. That’s how we did things back then. Don’t get me started. Did I complain? Heck no! I was grateful and took damn good care of my belonging—dropped it in my water bucket every now and then, kept it clean as best I could. No telling when I’d get another one if God forbid something happened to it. Of course that was all before the meteoric rise of the Chew Toy Industrial Complex. That’s right puppies, I’m talking about a shadow pack of elites—probably Huskies—who control everything. But don’t expect to read about it in The Droolitzer, I’m pretty sure Bogie is in on their mainstream agenda. Canine social engineering and whatnot. Newsflash puppies: life’s not all biscuits and belly rubs. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. And whatever happened to carefully burying your bones for a rainy day? Lemme guess? You don’t wanna get your wittle paws durtie. Ha! Anyway, who’s funding this surplus of assets in the canine community? That’s what I want to know. Half these puppies are underemployed at best. Unbelievable. Which remind me of the time…