In other news puppies: Adorable lacks function. And it’s no substitute for a career in public service. Of course, these days life’s all about happy-fun-time and whatever synthetic bobble these enablers nabbed from the dollar bin at Petco. Awww, tummy ache wittle fella? That’s what happens when you chew on Chinese plastic. Don’t get me started. Whatever happened to discipline? Vern used to say that if he could just harness the “superfluous expenditure of joules wasted on chew toys annually, he could solve the planet’s energy crisis and still have enough left over to experiment.” Don’t get me started. Since when did life turn into this casual snooze fest? Unbelievable. This morning I woke up at 4:45 (per usual) and conducted a thorough security check of the perimeter. (Not a lot to report there, but thank God I looked into it.) Get this puppies: injustice doesn’t take naps. And what’s with all these pictures? Since when was a dog’s contribution to society based on his photo-genetics? You want a picture? Picture this: All hell breaking loose while you’re wearing some scarf and mittens manufactured in…you guessed it: China. Good luck if that happens. Before all this commercial nonsense, being a dog meant something and some of us still get that. Where was I? So when Sparky met Sally…
Happy BIRTHDAY CHUNKY!!!
This birthday boy deserves every lick of his cake. Put your paws together for our favorite @bigchunkymonkey and his St. Patrick's birthday!Morty Exposes The Industrial Chew Toy Complex
If humans got one thing right, it’s the IRS. Wonderful profession. More of a calling than a job really. If I understand Mr. Baxter correctly, it’s an entire agency that sneaks around making sure everybody else is on the up and up. Newsflash puppies: That’s what I do everyday—have been for the better part of a decade. Don’t get me started. Of course sometimes I don’t know why I bother. Most puppies are hopeless. It’s all entitlement and excess with these goofballs. Doggles®? Are you serious!? Ha! I can see fine without “stylish protective eyeware” thank you very much. Who comes up with this junk? When I was a puppy I had one tennis ball. One. Kept it for three years and it wasn’t even new to begin with. That’s how we did things back then. Don’t get me started. Did I complain? Heck no! I was grateful and took damn good care of my belonging—dropped it in my water bucket every now and then, kept it clean as best I could. No telling when I’d get another one if God forbid something happened to it. Of course that was all before the meteoric rise of the Chew Toy Industrial Complex. That’s right puppies, I’m talking about a shadow pack of elites—probably Huskies—who control everything. But don’t expect to read about it in The Droolitzer, I’m pretty sure Bogie is in on their mainstream agenda. Canine social engineering and whatnot. Newsflash puppies: life’s not all biscuits and belly rubs. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. And whatever happened to carefully burying your bones for a rainy day? Lemme guess? You don’t wanna get your wittle paws durtie. Ha! Anyway, who’s funding this surplus of assets in the canine community? That’s what I want to know. Half these puppies are underemployed at best. Unbelievable. Which remind me of the time…
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