My boss has been on me about taking “business casual” a little too far. When I go into the office naked he says it’s both inappropriate and distracting. I always remind him that it’s nearly impossible for me to buy anything other than made-to-measure so unless he starts giving me a better salary, he’s stuck [...]
The only thing worse than the dermatologist is the dentist. Trust me. I speak from experience. Last week, while I was being told my paws are allergic to grass, my phone started ringing. Happy not to listen to anymore of that nonsense about grass, I answered without realizing it was my boss. I politely excused [...]
There I was, standing face to face with an elliptical machine. I’d just pulled my red sweatband over my ears when my phone started buzzing. Way I see it, that elliptical machine got lucky—it was my boss calling from out of state. He sounded uncomfortable on the other end of the line. He paused and umm-ed his way through the call and I began to get curious. I decided to walk it off on the treadmill as he hashed out what the woof was going on. Bottom line: I had to fly to Seattle to meet an up-and-coming celeb. Okay, I thought, no big deal. I upped my speed to a faster-slow walk. But then he said: “There’s something you should know: You need to come on a secure leash and you need to bring your mother…unless she’s allergic to cats?”
I fired Jose the gardener last Friday. It wasn’t an easy call. Ultimately, letting him go means more work for me and my company: Bogie Green Paws. But after three years of constant miscommunication and some unfortunate boundary issues regarding my garden hoses, it was time. So when mom told me he was retiring and [...]
That’s when I saw Dr. W (as his peers call him) rolling down the drive in a bright red stroller. His mother was doing a fine job pushing him along. She looked cool. So did he. He was wearing nothing but an old matching red banana around his neck…it worked. Simple, understated yet sophisticated. I liked it. He instructed his mother to wheel him to the grassy part of his trailer park where I assumed he’d dismount and so we could peruse the grounds as we talked. But no. Dr. W stated he would not be descending from his stroller at that time.
Last week I was in New York for a wedding. Rupert, Meaty, Willis and a few others were also in town to see one of our oldest buddies tie the knot. It was Thursday afternoon when I checked into The Crosby Hotel, on Crosby St and Spring, in Soho. With nothing but time on my [...]
I got the call from my uncle but it was in a roundabout sort of way that reminded me of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. My best friend’s, mother’s, fiancé was producing a record with my uncle and the drummer of Spiritual Rez who, it turns out, is also one of my biggest fans. It sounded [...]
I’ve always wanted to go to London. Not for the “food” or the crumby weather, but to see where I came from—to meet some real British bulldogs and take a ride on the top part of a double-decker. Nelson, a Frenchie who happens to live across the channel from France, is a good friend of mine. So [...]
I didn’t want to go, not even a little bit. In fact, if you asked me what my worst weekend imaginable looks like, I’d say standing in a desert with 90,000 hippies at a music festival. That’s the truth. Yet there I was, heading south in bumper to bumper traffic somewhere between the city of [...]
Last week I was having lox for breakfast at Nate n Al’s Deli in Beverly Hills with my buddy Rupert. We were actually on our fifth order of poppy seed bagels with extra cream cheese when I got a call from the office about my next assignment. The week had already been a busy one; [...]