Clockwise from Left: Wazzy, Maximus, Cobalt, Pork Chop.

Last Saturday my mom took me out to Chateau Marmont for a late afternoon bite. With a star-studded line up that never disappoints, it’s by far my favorite place to people watch in Los Angeles and there are always a few celebrity dogs to sniff hello to out on the patio. That afternoon was no different. My mom and dad opted for the sofa table and I instantly made myself comfortable. No sooner had my napkin been tied around my neck than a small swarm of women descended upon me and began rubbing my ears, belly and jowls. Then one of them said in the sweetest voice, “Awww he’s so tiny! He must be a mini bulldog!” I stared blankly back at her and let my mom do the talking. “He’s actually a very healthy 47.3lbs (21.5kgs).”  Good girl Mom!  Perhaps the woman’s kale salad had arrived or perhaps she took the hint that such unsolicited commentary was not welcome—she left with her girlfriends still oohing and ahhing over my size.

Cobalt taken with GoPro.

My lunch was all but ruined.  I had my dad Google “quick ways to bulk up” while I waited for my double cheeseburger. Then I texted my friends, Rupert and Meaty, to ask how much they weigh. Let’s just say they got back to me with impressive numbers I’d never seen on my scale. What should have been a wonderful Saturday with mom and dad had instead turned my world upside down. Was I—Bogie “The Beefcake” Kaplan—small?

When we got home I went into my room and continued the research my dad had started. By the time dinner rolled around I’d signed up for three months at the Reebok CrossFit Lab in my neighborhood. My mother was appalled and my father was supportive, so I knew I had made the right decision.

I called my boss and left a message telling him that on Tuesday I was headed to Manhattan Beach to research the 2015 Reebok CrossFit Games. I mentioned that if he could get me an interview with one of the champions that’d be great! Like the book The Secret said, “You become AND attract what you think.” And for the last 24 hours all I could think about was the scale at my vet’s office reading “75” (34kg) the next time I went in. It was going to happen.

From Left: Wazzy, Cobalt, Maximus, Pork Chop

I went down stares and opened the Paleo cookbook that had just arrived thanks to AmazonPrime. As I was debating what sort of meat to have with my meat, my boss called me back. He said he’d been unable to get me an interview with a competitor or champion, per se, but that he had managed to get me an ultra-exclusive gig with the most handsome, beefed up bulldogs he could find. I gulped. Not exactly what I had in mind. He went on, “they don’t live far from the CrossFit competition AND they have an extensive car collection.” I was sold!

That evening I packed my duffle full of the week’s necessities: protein powder, 5lb weights, my red sweatband, a white tank, gym shorts, four freshly sharpened pencils, my notepad and a copy of The Secret just in case I needed a moral boost. My dad must’ve overheard the car collection bit, because the next morning he offered to drive south with me to Newport Beach. I hopped in the front seat, he put the top down and we were off!

The traffic was stop-and-go on The 405 as usual. But when we finally pulled up to a beautiful Mediterranean style villa, I looked down at my watch: 1:25pm. Right on time. I puffed up my chest as much as possible, took a swig of my peanut butter extra protein boost shake and waddled up to meet the boys.

Pork Chop

Bogie: Oh my dog I can’t believe I’m hanging with the coolest bullies on the OC coast!  Seriously you fellas are the California Dream Team in my book!  Wazzy, Maximus, Pork Chop and Cobalt fill me in—who is who and how old are you guys?

First thank you for such nice comments and asking us to be in The Droolitzer this week. It’s a real honor!

King Wazzy Bonz aka KWB here!  I was born on April 3, 2007. I’m the oldest of the crew.

Maximus Decimus Meridius aka MDM right here! My birthday is March 28, 2008. I’m seven years old.

Hey Bogie, I’m Pork Chop Juice. Some call me PCJ and I’m almost six years old.  My big day is September 27, 2009.

I may be the youngest, but my name is Lord Cobalt Blue—LCB—and I was born last year on Feburary 24th.  I’m a growin boy!

Bogie: Holy Pom!  I would have never guessed your ages and, um, size for that matter. I gather all of you wear the pants in the family, but is there an alpha dawg amongst you? In other words, who’s the boss??

Maximus

Pork Chop is by far BIG DOG of the household at 84lbs but Cobalt likes to think he is the BIG BOSS of the family and pushes Pork Chop’s limits from time to time.

Bogie: I totally would not want to push any of your limits.  Ever!  So you guys live in paradise with the sea, sun and sand at your paws.  Do any of you surf or swim?

Surprisingly we all HATE the water. Dad got us all life jackets and put us in the pool last summer. We could not wait to get out. Now we won’t even go close to the pool without fear of getting pushed in by dad. We do like to take pics next to the pool and showoff our ocean view and beautiful sunset.

Bogie: Seriously? Can I trade you my blue plastic kiddy pool?  Pretty much everybully knows about your car collection. It’s totally drool worthy! Who owns the blue lambo? And do you share it with the others?

Wazzy and a view.

Mom and Dad’s favorite color is blue so all of our cars happen to be that color! Dad thought it would be very cool to have a blue bulldog and what better name than Cobalt? We each have our own car in the family. Cobalt has the Lamborghini. Pork Chop drives McLaren Spider. Wazzy is older so he drives the Bentley convertible and Maximus likes to save energy and drives the Tesla.

Bogie: I.  Can’t.  Even.  Are you guys for real? Your life is the stuff dreams are made of!  Say Pork Chop, mind if I take the McLaren for a spin after this chat? It isn’t any wonder why you’ve got a slew of paparazzi following your every move, but it’s come to my knowledge that you have at least one drone stalking you guys at your pad.  What gives?  Have any of you had the opportunity to see if drones taste as good as they look?

We’d like to say for the record we HATE that damn drone and we actively try to bring it down every chance we get. That drone is lucky we never catch it, otherwise it would be in small pieces in our pool.

Bogie: Noted!  You are all super fit and I feel like it’s part of your genetic make up (hello mom and dad!). Are you naturally stacked or do you have to work hard for your bully physique?

That Woofin Drone!

Funny you ask us. We think our size is normal until we go to a bulldog meet up and realize we are double the size of most bulldogs and they usually ask us the same question. I guess you can see we have great genetics dad also makes sure we take supplements daily so we stay strong and husky. Pork Chop is the biggest at 84lbs and then Maximus at 74lbs. Cobalt is still growing and just hit 70lbs. Then Wazzy (AKA Mr. Skinny) is 62lbs and his ribs show. Mom always says we need to feed him more but he eats the most of anybully else in the house and still never gains a pound! Lucky him.

Bogie: Uh…yeah…”Mr. Skinny” is exactly what comes to mind when I see Wazzy.  He’s only 23lbs more than me afterall!  But don’t worry dudes, I’m super into CrossFit now and have you seen the size of those guys? I’m sure I’ll be like 75-80 next week. No big deal. So when you’re not lounging poolside or getting pulled over in your fancy rides, do you dudes have any hobbies?  Are you part of any clubs or organizations?

Since there are four of us, we are the club! We mostly like to chill at home and not leave the compound often. When we do it usually means we are off to the vet and we don’t like going to the vet AT ALL!

Maximus and a California sunset.

Bogie: You’re telling me!  I only kind of want to go to the vet in next week to use their scale. Just to see, you know, how much bigger I’ve become!  The girls go NUTS over all of you, but tell us— are you taken?  Who are your #womencrushwednesday ladies?

Cobalt is the only one with a girlfriend @_lolaleethedeafbully it was love at first sight. I guess the rest of us will be single for life.

Bogie: Seriously?  Single for life?  I can’t imagine with how strapping you dudes are.  But women are a ton of work so I get it.  I know you’ve got an industry party to hit up in a bit, but do you think you could squeeze in a lightening round?

Yes! For you anything!

Bogie: The Clippers or the Lakers?

Only one team for us PITTSBURGH STEELERS!

Cobalt in his Lambo.

Bogie: Paleo or pescatarian?

Paleo all the way!

Bogie: Ferrari or Porsche?

Mclaren and Lamborghini since that’s what’s in our garage.

Bogie: California casual or bespoke?

Always Cali casual.

Bogie: Lifting iron or lifting the remote control?

Lifting iron of course!

Bogie: TMZ or CNN?

Maximus and Cobalt being dudes.

CNN.  We’re dudes so we’re not into gossip.

Bogie: Drones or Go-Pros?

Go-Pros for sure! Have you seen our new pictures?

Bogie: Game of Thrones or House of Cards?

Game of Thrones hands down best show on TV!

Bogie: Justin Timberlake or Keith Urban?

Curve ball here – Lionel Richie.

Bogie: Max or Cobalt Blue?

Now you know we can’t pick just one. All for one and one for all in this household.

Bogie: Seriously guys, I can’t thank you enough. Ummmm say Pork Chop? So about that ride??