I have this lawyer named Dad. When he’s not helping me solve important problems, he helps humans get divorced.  It’s called “Family Law” or something like that. And yes, statistically speaking, weddings are good for the family biz.  But don’t get me wrong, he’s not jaded on the whole concept of marriage—he married my mom. All I’m saying is that weddings aren’t really his jam. Like Richard Atkins waiting tables at a Spaghetti Factory, I think he worries his participation in the festivities might be misconstrued as duplicitous. That said, we’ve been hitting up weddings left and right this summer. We’re professionals.  My mom buys a new dress and gets her hair done, then I join them both on a road trip to a place with tons of flowers and food. But sometimes Dad lags and causes us all to show up just after the bride and groom say “I do”.  That’s woofin’ embarrassing!

Last weekend was different.  My mom and lawyer couldn’t stop talking about their two buddies getting hitched.  And Dad actually sounded excited to be hitting the road on Friday afternoon. We were headed to Rancho Santa Fe—a sprawling town just outside San Diego proper.

I’d called my boss to let him know that I’d have a story (a good one) on his desk come Monday.  My duffle had been packed in advance: a real bowtie (not a clip on), cufflinks, two freshly sharpened pencils, my notepad, a wedding gift, swim trunks, tequila, sunglasses, Robert, tacos and my favorite “I Love Mexico” tee.  When my mom lifted me into the back of the car I sensed the weekend was going to be a good one.

Friday night was low key.  @miss_gorda, the daughter of the bride and groom, was napping in our hotel room when we arrived.  She woke up with some reluctance and asked us to be her guests at the rehearsal dinner. Who can say no to Mariachi music and pizza? Not us.

The rest of that evening gets a trifle blurry. I swear somebully put tequila in my water bowel, but I currently have no obvious suspects. I slept most of the next day with my lawyer at the pool recuperating, knowing that we had to be in top form for the evening ahead. We took no chances and decided not to budge until 4pm.

My mom slipped on a pretty blue number while my dad tied both of our bowties.  We were in the car ahead of schedule (a first!).  As we pulled up to the gates of Warman Ranch I looked down at my watch: 5:01pm. We had almost thirty minutes to spare.  I hopped out of the car and headed toward the crowd.  Never had I seen so many good-looking people.  As I waddled in and out of designer dresses and suit pants I texted Gorda: “where you at girl?”  She told me she was busy but could meet me after the ceremony at the tennis courts and she’d explain everything.

Now I feel like you all know by now, I’m no sap.  But when the beautiful bride and handsome groom were standing under the big oak tree exchanging vows I may have sniffled. Meanwhile, Gorda lay beside them on her cushion, fast asleep, as three hundred friends gathered to wish them well in their new life together as husband and wife.  

As soon as I heard the applause I made a beeline for the tennis courts and so did Miss G.  In fact, I’d never seen her move so fast.   She barked at the man blocking the court’s entrance as if giving a secret password and, just like that, we were in.  I whipped out my notepad and pencil as we waddled over to the table with the short ribs.  Gorda had done this before. I sensed this was going to be one tasty interview.

Bogie: Wow, these short ribs taste like heaven.  Never in a million years did I think I’d get to hang with you in a kitchen the size of a tennis court!  Gorda, as your name suggests, you’re a foodie through and through. But before we get into the wedding details, tell us a little bit about yourself and I’m not asking how old you are because that would be rude, but…

Gorda:  I’m simply a Mexican English Bulldog living the life in San Diego.  I’m maybe nine, maybe ten—but a woman never divulges her age Bogie!

Bogie: Fair enough.  Miss G!  Your dad is opening up this super hip sandwich shop and rumor has it that you’re the delivery girl!  Give us the scoop!  Do you really get to drive a Vespa?

Gorda: Yes! You are right.  My daddy is opening up a gourmet sandwich shop on Highway 101 in Leucadia.  It is called Moto Deli and it will be totally (bull)dog friendly.  I would love to host a party for all my friends on the patio.  We will even have a dog menu for those of you who aren’t allowed to eat human food.  I can’t wait to try all the sandwiches and to be the official dog menu taste tester. Unfortunately, however, I won’t be able to drive the Vespa because my dewclaws don’t work like opposable thumbs and I can’t press the horn and the start button on the bike.  Boo!!!!

Bogie: Awww shoot!  Do you think Moto Deli is hiring?  I can put together a resume. So when it comes to chilling it’s safe to say you’ve got a PhD in The Art of Relaxing.  How many seconds does it take you to get comfortable when you’re in the mood for a nap?

Gorda: Sometimes I fall asleep before my head hits the pillow.  I like to call it sleep sitting.  My average time to fall asleep is around 10 seconds.  It is even faster if I go in my crate.  The happiest place on earth!

Bogie: It’s pretty impressive, you definitely move quickly when it comes to snoozing.  I have to say I was rather impressed at your ability to sleep through most of your parents’ wedding this afternoon.  Can we take a moment and talk about just how incredible you looked?  Who were you wearing?

Gorda: My mom wanted me to feel just like the other bridesmaids so although I can’t hold a bouquet (once again the opposable thumb/dewclaw problem) she had the florist make me a flower collar.  It’s similar to a flower-crown.  In my opinion it was way better than the bouquets.

Then she purchased a thin leather leash and a rolled leather collar.  A bit of advice for all the potential bridesmaids out there: have your flower-collar put on right before you plan to walk down the isle because you may find it a bit uncomfortable as I did at first.  But you get used to it just like those polyester bridesmaids dresses in other weddings.

Bogie: I’m pretty happy I don’t ever have to be a bridesmaid.  It sounds super girly. Did the other bridesmaids get a little jealous that you were the only one who got their very own bed to sleep on during the ceremony?  I’ve heard how women can be emotional about things like that.

Gorda: I think they were pretty cool about it.  I mean I didn’t get a new pair of shoes like they did.  The bed was key to my comfort during the ceremony.  I settled in and started snoring half way through the ceremony, which was totally expected.  Everyone thought it was cute how I barked right after the “I Do’s”

Bogie: Describe what yesterday, the day before this big celebration, looked like for you?

Gorda: It was all a whirlwind and I can’t believe it is over now.  Leading up to the ceremony I did a lot of shopping with my mom.  Weddings tend to do that to you.  They love me at all the stores.  SoCal is so dog friendly I love it.

2 days before:

The Thursday before the ceremony my Uncle Max Soule took me to Dirty Dogs in Cardiff to have the “We Do it Scrub”, a blueberry facial and they trimmed my nails so I wouldn’t trip down the aisle.  Having my nails and feet touched is my worst nightmare.  Nevertheless, he gave mom and dad gift cards to take me back.

1 day before:

The day before we ran through the wedding rehearsal, which was a piece of cake, and then I went with my mom to sleep at the grandparents house the night before the big day.

Wedding Day:

Mom woke me up early around 10am to head to the wedding.  While the other girls spent hours getting their hair and makeup done I chose to hang out with the caterers and help them clean up any scraps that fell on the floor—just like we’re doing now. Bogie, you have some taco on your chin…

Yes, these tennis courts were turned into a makeshift catering kitchen for the big event.  I ate so much I actually threw up just as I came into the carpeted room of the house.  I was just making room for all the food to come later (as in now)!

Bogie: You’ve got the life my dear!  Do you have any advice for parents about to tie the knot?  Any dos or don’ts?

Gorda: Do: include us.  We love to share your special day.  And bring many bacons for us!!!  I love bacons…all different types. Shortrib bacons are my favourite but Hamachi, tuna and chicken bacons are good too.

Don’t: sweat the small stuff.  It will all turn out great and no one will notice where you hid your poop.

Bogie: I’ve gotta ask because it’s been killing me to know: when your parents’ said “I do” you let out a single woof of affirmation.  Did they pay you to do that?  And if so, how much?

Gorda: BACONS!!!

Bogie: Ok I feel like at any moment the mac ‘n cheese is going to be ready for us to sample before it goes out to guests.  Do you have a minute for a super quick lightening round?

Gorda: Of course!

Bogie: Balenciaga or Altuzarra?

Gorda: Balenciaga.  I have one of their collars.  It is neon orange and I get SO MANY compliments.

Bogie: Sailboats or motorbikes?

Gorda: Motorbikes.  Sailboats are my nemesis and I bark to protect my humans from them.  Plus…my dad has five bikes so I gotta.

Bogie: Hot air balloons or regular balloons?

Gorda: Neither.  WTF, who are you and please no more questions about such horrible things. Ballons (of any type) and sailboats are evil!

Bogie: Ok, ok, settle down Miss G!  Golden Retrievers or Poodles?

Gorda: My baby daddy is a golden retriever, we still see each other, but he has since removed his … manhood, so we only made babies once.

Bogie: Thank DOG you didn’t have a Poodle baby daddy.  I can’t even… anyway, awake or asleep?

Gorda: Add awake to the don’t mention list

Bogie: Gotcha.  Walks or car rides?

Gorda: Seriously?  Got my Snoozer Dog Bed in the back seat… windows down… that’s the way I like to roll.

Bogie: Commercial or private (planes that is)?

Gorda: I can definitely stretch out more on a P-Jet.  They are way more comfortable.  I prefer yachts and sea travel to be honest.

Bogie: Chickens or cows? (to eat and also to hang with)

Gorda: Chickens for sure.

Bogie: Blondes or brunettes?

Gorda: Blondes have more fun…and gingers!

Bogie: Punta Gorda, Florida or Gorda, California?

Gorda: Punta Gorda fishing spot off the coast of Baja California Sur near Cabo San Lucas.  My dad caught huge bacons there, all types – wahoo bacons, tuna bacons and marlin bacons.  I ate all the bacons!