On Monday I waddled back into The Droolitzer headquarters after nearly a week off. My boss had promised me he wouldn’t mention my birthday, which I’d shared with Jesus, so I wasn’t worried about Paula the Puli from HR belting out a belated “happy birthday to you” over gluten free milk bones in the lounge during lunchtime. Besides, I had more important things on my mind.
2016 was right around the corner and I needed to come up with a good New Year’s resolution.
When guys like Harry the Hound asked what I was gonna to do to become a better me, I wanted to say something smooth
and classy. I was deep in thought when I entered the office—one paw Googling “hipster resolutions” while the other fumbled around my duffle for a notepad. On top of an original resolution, I needed to get a story on the boss’ desk no later than noon on Tuesday. I hopped up onto my sofa chair and saw that my assistant, Georgie the Cleftie, had left me a post-it note:
Boss wants you in the conference room. Stat.
Google wasn’t helping and Siri thought I said “healthier” not “hipster.” Time was working against me and a meeting with the boss was only gonna set me back further. His door was slightly ajar so I used my head to open it all the way.
“SURPRISE BOGIE!!!!!” I looked up from my phone and the entire room was filled with dogs and a few cool cats. I nearly collapsed. (A belated birthday surprise party first thing on a Monday was classic Paula but she must’ve had the boss’ help.) As my eyes adjusted to the neon party lights I could see that nearly every subject I’d interviewed in 2015 was in attendance.
There was Daisy dressed to the nines sipping on Big Chunky Monkey’s drink as he snored softly at her side. Dean was measuring everybully’s ear length with a ruler and Miss Gorda was passed out on the conference table on her back, oblivious to everyone around her. Davie was wearing an enormous bowtie around his neck and a scowl across his brow as talked to some young pup about death. The Great Dane girls from finance were huddled around Little Black who was trying to get them to head back to his place later. All eight of them. #hatethegamenottheplayer. Macky was lifting weights and showing Morty photos of his gluten free pizza garden while his little brother, Garbanzo, missed the pee pad entirely. (This sent Morty into a hard-to-follow rant about “juveniles and the need for discipline.”) My mate Sumo was chatting with one of the fit models who was commenting on his incredible style as Deeks, the honorary bulldog, snoozed in a sunspot with a stuffed goose wrapped around his flaps. Watson was straight chillin’ in the boss’ chair with a Chihuahua chick I didn’t recognize. (He nodded at me and I lifted my chin in response.) Wolfy seemed to be looking up local AA meeting schedules despite the fact he only drinks water. I’d have to ask him about that later.
Anyway, the room was complete chaos but it also contained some of the finest canine minds in the business. It didn’t take me long to realize I could crowdsource this week’s story, hang out with my buddies and get to the bottom of resolutions all at the same time. Beau and his sister Bon were pretending to do some yoga so I took out my notepad, a freshly sharpened birthday pencil and started asking, “Hey guys, what’s your New Year’s resolution and where are you going to be at midnight?”
@beauandbonnie Bon: Hmmm…
1) More doga.
2) Less snacking on peanut butter pleasers. 3) Releasing my line of Sassy Leg Warmers.
Beau: Working on my mile. I’m really hoping to complete one in under 60 minutes. Goals, Boges, goals…
Bon: I’ll be painting the town of course! I sure hope I’m near @mackythebulldog when that ball drops.
Beau: Snoring heavily.
@deanthebasset I will travel the world in search of the storied “Mount Bacon” and climb to its summit. Training for my climb begins January 2nd. I’ll need to be strong, agile and sure-footed as its slopes are said to be covered in thick bacon grease.
I’ll be ringing in the New Year with a rockin’ pawtay at my grandparents house! The night’s activities will include a game of Canadian Twister (similar to American version except the Twister mat is covered in Labatt Blue beer) and I aim to be crowned champion at the stroke of midnight.
@roberttherubberchicken I will finally set my wings free and learn how to fly.
When the clock strikes twelve I will be hanging with my bestie. See: Y O U!
Bad Bob Cat Find more food. Eat more food found unattended. Rescue cold food and bottles of white from the large container with fortified door. Keep more of that warm food inside myself.
Like any other midnight: I’ll be guarding the room with the hidden foodstuffs.
@insitu Resolution? To make it through another year.
Midnight? Crying next to an empty food bowl.
@hattiesaurus My New Years resolution is to have Dad teach me how to drive the tank!
When the clock strikes midnight I will probably be dancing around the house in my dinosaur costume! Rawr!!
@loliethebullie In 2016, I’m determined to eat more bagels and cream cheese, peanut butter, and bacon! P.S. I also intend to lose weight, so the vet will stop telling Mom that I need to go on a d-word! #thewordisdiet
I know exactly where I hope to be on New Year’s Eve…with my one true love, Y O U! #thelookofloveisinyoureyes
@georgiethecleftie: To teach the great people of Utah the cleftie bully lifestyle! And it’s probably important to be nicer to my sister. Mom is tired of me curb stomping her head when we play. I just forget she is so little because of how feisty she is!
I will hopefully be in a fancy hotel sipping on puppy champagne with mom/dad, having a mini party. As long as I can stay awake.
@operation_sumo Only look in the mirror 5 times a day… Got to keep my vanity in check.
When the clock strikes 12 I’ll be looking in the mirror.
@omarcomin_I will pull the leash in new directions. There’s gotta be more wine stores with treats on the next avenue.
At midnight, I’ll be on the couch with the parental watching the ball drop on tv that is just a few blocks away. And then the next morning I’ll try to eat all the confetti off the ground. But, this year my lady friend @lolabarksdale will be staying over. Maybe I’ll get lucky. And by lucky, I mean spooning next to her for five consecutive minutes.
@mackie_bulldog My New Year’s resolution is to get better at tug of war and beat my older brother Mackie.
At midnight I will probably be sleeping. What’s happening on January 1st?
@lola_bulldog_lover My new year’s resolution is to cut back on the amount of baked goodies I sample, as I have put on a few extra pounds and am finding my apron a bit snug here at the bakery.
At midnight I’m sure my fiancé Bruce and I will be sipping some bubbly, paw in paw somewhere in Texas counting down the seconds in anticipation of 2016. I will also be gobbling down any last minute sweets as I will be promptly starting my diet.
@daisygordita At midnight on Jan 1 I see myself wishing I was kissing my Chunky Monkey once the ball drops on Times Square. After cleaning up the leftover Jalapeno poppers and buffalo wings—my lips will be on fiyaa!
Morty At midnight I will be in the Baxter’s front yard ready to assist law enforcement should they require additional resources.
@miss_gorda My New Years resolution is to practice more doga and eat more bacon! They go hand in hand, right???
I will be in Aspen with the family for New Years! Bogie, next year you have to come with!
@bigchunkymonkey Well bogies to tell you the truth I’m just going to roll my usual New Year’s resolutions over to this year which are to eat more, exercise less and spend more time with my Daisy. New Year’s night? I’ll be for sure #pullingachunky
@mackthebullydog My new years resolution would be to stop touching myself/smacking the monkey (and I’m not talking about you, Big Chunky Monkey)—whatever you want to call it— I’ve been told I need to stop being a dirty old man!
If you can’t print that you can list my resolutions as: eating less carbs, actually removing the bun from the burger. Garbanzo’s resolution is to stop missing the wee wee pad and to have better aim this year. At midnight we will both be gazing into Ryan Seacrest’s beautiful big hazel eyes.
@_deeks_ My New Year’s resolution is to pay more attention to all the comfy nap spots in my house so none of them feel left out. And I’m thinking that, in order to get a jump start on that resolution, I’ll find one beforehand and be napping in it when 2016 makes it’s official arrival!!
@brimleycat My resolution this year is to convince Dad I need more belly rubs. Right now I get them as soon as he wakes up, comes home from work and goes to bed. I feel like he can squeeze in a trip home at lunchtime too.
There’s a pretty good chance I’ll be curled up on Dad’s side of the bed while he’s out partying, but I also might be napping up on top of my cat tree. This is the time of the year when it’s a great place to be deaf – peaceful slumber time for me!
@wolfybullybaby A couple resolutions very near and dear to my heart…Kick my habit of licking pee. My name is Wolfy and I am addicted to licking pee. My own and any random pee I find while taking my morning walks. I’d also like to re-claim my plaid flannel bed, which my sister has stolen from me even though she has her own PINK bed. Oh and the usual eat more and walk less…
At midnight I plan on cuddling with my mama and papa on their heated blankey and hoping they pour me a glass of champawgne.
@watsons_dogumentary In 2016 I would like to gain weight
I see myself with my head in a toilet at midnight!
@fuzzyard Ménage à huit… I managed a ménage à sept last year…so just need to step up my game..I know I can do it..and for all you non multi-lingual peeps..firstly I feel for you…anyway it’s an 8-way I’m going for..and my rules are a little different than most..can’t be the same breed.. I’ve got lots of cute lil cavapoos in my hood but I can only choose 1..so 8 is a tough ask..but never fear when Lil Black is near!
Once Midnight has struck well I need to try and accomplish my resolution asap… so I will be… busy.
@wazzy_max_porkchop_cobalt We would like to donate more time and money to rescue and help those bulldogs in need find loving and caring homes.