Ladies and gentlemen, I did not buy my collar because it’s handsome. I did not buy it at all. I earned it. And I will never require another one because I take superlative care of my belongings and see zero need to dabble in the unfortunate, materialistic trend currently sweeping Lake View Terrace. But if Brax and Gwen, the two juvies who just moved in down the street, think life is actually about how you look doing it then—don’t get me started. Newsflash puppies: You want to know the meaning of life? What really matters? RESULTS. Period. End of story. And results can be achieved wearing absolutely nothing at all. Put Benji in a tuxedo and what do you have? A hero unnecessarily constrained by expensive fabric, that’s what. God rest his soul but this isn’t about Benji and it certainly isn’t about me. I’m talking, of course, about the next generation. As I may have mentioned, I have my reservations. I also have some suggestions. For starters, these puppies need to put down those synthetic baubles their “momagers” nabbed from Petco. That’s right, focus. Oh sure, now I’m the grump. Ultimately the future is out of my paws but I have to do what I can—Lake View Terrace isn’t going to defend itself. Look: Results come down to a little something I like to call grit, determination and courage. Without grit, determination is compromised before it ever leaves the kennel. But without courage, a puppy might as well throw in the towel. Which reminds me of the time Sparky’s passion for pizza caused a power outage.