Ladies and gentlemen, I did not buy my collar because it’s handsome. I did not buy it at all. I earned it. And I will never require another one because I take superlative care of my belongings and see zero need to dabble in the unfortunate, materialistic trend currently sweeping Lake View Terrace. But if Brax and Gwen, the two juvies who just moved in down the street, think life is actually about how you look doing it then—don’t get me started. Newsflash puppies: You want to know the meaning of life? What really matters? RESULTS. Period. End of story. And results can be achieved wearing absolutely nothing at all. Put Benji in a tuxedo and what do you have? A hero unnecessarily constrained by expensive fabric, that’s what. God rest his soul but this isn’t about Benji and it certainly isn’t about me. I’m talking, of course, about the next generation. As I may have mentioned, I have my reservations. I also have some suggestions. For starters, these puppies need to put down those synthetic baubles their “momagers” nabbed from Petco. That’s right, focus. Oh sure, now I’m the grump. Ultimately the future is out of my paws but I have to do what I can—Lake View Terrace isn’t going to defend itself. Look: Results come down to a little something I like to call grit, determination and courage. Without grit, determination is compromised before it ever leaves the kennel. But without courage, a puppy might as well throw in the towel. Which reminds me of the time Sparky’s passion for pizza caused a power outage.
Happy BIRTHDAY CHUNKY!!!This birthday boy deserves every lick of his cake. Put your paws together for our favorite @bigchunkymonkey and his St. Patrick's birthday!
Morty Exposes The Industrial Chew Toy Complex
If humans got one thing right, it’s the IRS. Wonderful profession. More of a calling than a job really. If I understand Mr. Baxter correctly, it’s an entire agency that sneaks around making sure everybody else is on the up and up. Newsflash puppies: That’s what I do everyday—have been for the better part of a decade. Don’t get me started. Of course sometimes I don’t know why I bother. Most puppies are hopeless. It’s all entitlement and excess with these goofballs. Doggles®? Are you serious!? Ha! I can see fine without “stylish protective eyeware” thank you very much. Who comes up with this junk? When I was a puppy I had one tennis ball. One. Kept it for three years and it wasn’t even new to begin with. That’s how we did things back then. Don’t get me started. Did I complain? Heck no! I was grateful and took damn good care of my belonging—dropped it in my water bucket every now and then, kept it clean as best I could. No telling when I’d get another one if God forbid something happened to it. Of course that was all before the meteoric rise of the Chew Toy Industrial Complex. That’s right puppies, I’m talking about a shadow pack of elites—probably Huskies—who control everything. But don’t expect to read about it in The Droolitzer, I’m pretty sure Bogie is in on their mainstream agenda. Canine social engineering and whatnot. Newsflash puppies: life’s not all biscuits and belly rubs. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. And whatever happened to carefully burying your bones for a rainy day? Lemme guess? You don’t wanna get your wittle paws durtie. Ha! Anyway, who’s funding this surplus of assets in the canine community? That’s what I want to know. Half these puppies are underemployed at best. Unbelievable. Which remind me of the time…