And that was the time my pal Sparky got away with nabbing Mrs. Baxter’s green bean casserole right off the stove. You should have seen him run. He didn’t even particularly like green beans, but that was Sparky. Don’t get me started. Doubt many pups could pull off a stunt like that these days. Took grit. Character. Reminds me of the time I was in a grocery store parking lot inside a cardboard box with “free puppies” misspelled on the side of it. The year was 1999 or thereabouts. Did I complain? Heck no! I wagged my tail with genuine enthusiasm while one of my brothers pee’d all over the place. That’s how we did things back then. Took grit. Character. So don’t talk to me about finding the right collar to match your leash. Ha! Way I see it you’re lucky to have either one. Stainless steel water bowls, treats handed out for no reason, manicures””this PetCo generation has lost all sight of what it means to work for a living. You wanna know what kept my claws clipped? The unforgiving asphalt as I patrolled my neighborhood looking for punks, that’s what! Don’t get me started. I blame Hollywood, among other things. When I was a pup movies had substance. Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch”¦they don’t make them like that anymore. When that epic went straight to DVD in 2002 I was there, front and center, watching my hero in action. Of course back then we sat upright on the hardwood living room floor, not #pullingachunky on some goose down whatchamacallit. And you’re damn right I cheered when my hero took the field. Do your homework kiddos, that’s what a real dog looks like. Speaking of real dogs, my good friend Vern (put down last Tuesday, God rest his soul) told me about this dog show in LA where every dog got a blue ribbon””get this””just for showing up! The reason? The judges didn’t want to hurt any of the pwuppies wittle fweelings. Gimme a break! Whatever happened to grit? Character? I could go on but I’ve heard all about the modern puppy’s attention span. It’d be about as productive as chasing my tail””that’s right ”˜lil Einsteins, they’re attached! Don’t get me started. Which reminds me of the time my pal Sparky got his tail stuck in Mrs. Baxter’s refrigerator”¦

Signed,

Morty