A few days ago I was lying in the sand at Rosie’s Dog Beach in Long Beach, California snoozing with my buddy Rupert. Rupert works in the music industry but his job title is a little vague””something in production. Anyway, we were catching some rays, talking about the latest album he’d been working on when my phone started blowing up. Geez, I thought, I’ll never get rid of these tan lines. It was work calling and I knew better than to stay baking in the sun with my buddy. I told Rupes I had to bail, but that we’d pick up where we left off next week.
When I got in the car, I called the office to see what all the urgent calls were about. I was hoping it could wait until I got the sand out of my paws. Turned out I was booked on the redeye for New York and needed to hit the road. No time to pack! Thank goodness my emergency duffle was tucked in the trunk. “Where am I headed?” I asked the boss. “Forty-five minutes outside of New York City,” he told me, “a little spot called Long Island.” I asked Siri about the weather hoping “Island” meant surf, sand and sun. No such luck! Winter temps with not a hint of spring in the air.
As I headed to Los Angeles International Airport I double-checked that I had my notepad, pen and compass. The trip was off to a hectic start but I had the essentials. My interview notes said to stock up on Red Vines, chocolate chip cookies and tortilla chips. Check. I was about to interview the foodiest foodie around: Mack the Bullydog.
Getting the rest of the way there was a blur but it all worked out. Eventually, I got out of a cab on Old Country Road and looked at my watch. It was 10:30 a.m. and I was right on time. A hint of burned bacon and coffee lingered in the chilly in the air as I walked into Thomas’ Ham & Eggery.
Mack was sitting in a booth in the corner with a napkin around his neck. There was a plate in front of him that I’m certain, just moments ago, had been loaded with all the breakfast fixings. He waved me down and told me what to order: homemade corned beef hash with a side of country chicken sausage and eggs. Then he told the server to double it.
For the first time since I’d left the beach with Rupert, I began to feel relaxed. But I didn’t get too comfy because I had work to do.
Bogie: Macky, you’re a bulldog with such a refined palate! Your culinary expertise is known the world over in fact and some have even said that, with so much knowledge, you must be French. I’m thinking they’re mistaken, but wait…are you?? What’s your background?
Mack: Well Bogie, I am a man cloaked in mystery. It all started in 2008. I was born in a mystical land called Miami. There I learned the fine culinary ways of the native Cuban people. I think that is where my love of rice comes from. From Miami I was then relocated to New York. I really think that is where I began to blossom. In the summer you can find me talking long walks at sunset on the powder white beaches of Long Island. I really think here I have the best of both worlds.
Bogie: Did you say powder white beaches? Sounds kind of like what I was up to yesterday when I was”¦nevermind. Anyway, is it true you were the winner of Iron Chef: New Jersey? What was that like? And who would you say, if anybully, was your stiffest competition on the show? Were you able to be friends in the end?
Mack: Boges, I don’t know who’s poisoning your mind with such poppycock! That was just a rumor that was going around (which I started). I don’t know how it even got started! First off, I have never been on the Food Network. I know that is hard to believe but it’s true. Next, if I ever appear on Iron Chef, I hope it’s Iron Chef: Celebrity Bulldog. What I am hoping for is to attract the attention of the Food Network executives and hopefully one day have my own show. I really think I can reach out to other canines through my cooking and heal the world one pawty at a time.
Bogie: The tabloids are at it again with you I guess. I’m totally going to cross my paws for the Celebrity Bulldog edition of Iron Chef! Let’s talk about some of your friends, you’re a pretty social guy, do you ever share your cooking with others?
Mack: Yes! I love to cook for my friends. My only rule is: there can only be one bulldog in the kitchen. I am fussy about that. I can’t have paws reaching out in all directions trying to sample the food! I try to bring something special to each bully birthday pawty I attend. My pawty favorites include pizza and cheeseburgers. Those are always crowd pleasers and have become my trademark. Let’s be honest Boges, it’s rude to show up empty handed. Nobody likes a moocher.
Bogie: So true Macky, so true! And speaking of others is there a significant other in your life?
Mack: This topic makes me giggle. Yes, there is a special bullywoman in my life. Her name is Miss Bonnie of @beauandbonnie fame. My pet name for her is “Bonbons.” I was good friends with her brother, Beau, and to be honest I never looked at Bonbons in that way up until around Christmas time when she asked to audition for my holiday dance squad. When she auditioned I saw something in her that I had never noticed. Oh the way she gyrated her hips, the height of her leg kicks, and the way she whipped her imaginary long hair! How she moved and expressed herself through motion was unlike anything I had ever seen before. I was hooked. I asked her out to Friendly’s which has now become known as “our spot.” For anyone who doesn’t know Friendly’s, it’s a burger and ice cream place. Her big brother Beau normally chaperons our dates. We get 1 vanilla shake with 3 straws. From the moment our eyes met our affair has been a passionate fire of sweet bully love to which I hope never gets extinguished.
Bogie: Seriously Buddy I had no idea you and Bonnie were an item. She is dreamy, that’s for sure! From the sound of it, I’d say you two were meant to be. What would the perfect date night meal look like to you?
Mack: My perfect date night would go something like this: Dinner at my place, it’s more intimate that way. I’d prepare “pasta al la string queso” which is basically al dente spaghetti, topped with diced string cheese and spud crisps (commonly known as crushed potato chips). The meal is a real aphrodisiac. Afterwards, we’d take our after-dinner milkshakes and head to my studio. There my date and I would reenact famous scenes from movies. Last week, for example, Bonbons and I sat at my pottery wheel and redid the scene from Ghost. We worked the wet clay through our intertwined paws and howled along to “Unchained Melody.”
Bogie: So romantic! Who knew you had it in you Mack? Romance aside, say you were stranded on a desert island, which would be uncool except you get to choose five survival foods that you’ll have for the rest of your life. What would they be?
Mack: If I am stuck on an island a la Tom Hanks in Cast Away the five foods I would take are: pizza, cheeseburgers, string cheese, Italian bread, and chocolate chip cookies. When I was younger, a chocolate chip cookie fell on the floor. I snatched up that bad boy as fast as I could and swallowed. What I experienced can only be described as euphoric. If I am stuck on an island I figure hey, I might as well go out with a bang and eat all the moist, gooey chocochip cookies I can get my paws on.
Bogie: Dude, I’m drooling!! For the uninitiated, would you mind delving in and explaining the Bulldog Philosophy of the Three P’s?
Mack: Ah my young child. You inquire about the 3P’s. The 3P’s are sacred to me. They are: Pizza, Pasta, and Parmesan. Those 3 comprise the core of my diet and what I attribute to my taunt skin. I also have been told that I have the body of Suzanne Somers circa 1982. I take that as a great compliment because I am very proud of my thighs. I consider them one of my greatest features. I directly associate the 3P’s with this bod you see before you.
Bogie: Whatever you’re doing, it’s working. Hang on while I write the 3P’s down in my notepad. Okay, should we go straight into the lightening round?
Mack: Sure Bogie, let us lighten the mood”¦shall we?
Bogie: Cool Whip or Reddi-wip?
Mack: Neither. I never understood why people buy whipped cream that comes in a can or container when it is so easy to make homemade whipped cream. Take ½ cup of heavy cream and beat until soft peaks are formed. Add some vanilla extract and confectioners sugar to taste. Bam! You have homemade whipped cream. If I have to pick though: Reddi-wip. The little can is so practical.
Bogie: Skip or Jiffy?
Mack: Any peanut butter will do. But I do like my peanut butter like I like my women”¦chunky.
Bogie: Chicago deep dish or New York style pizza?
Mack: Boges, since I live in New York, I consider myself somewhat of a pizza connoisseur. I had never heard of Chicago deep dish, let alone eaten it, so I had to search it on Google. What I saw horrified my eyeballs. What the hell is that? It should be a crime to call that pizza. Chicago deep dish reminds me of cake with marinara frosting. There should be a little plastic bride and groom at the top of that monster. That is NOT pizza. It’s a soggy pie that you need a fork, knife, and 328 napkins to attempt to attack it with. Sorry to anyone that’s offend; it’s just a matter of personal preference. To answer the question: New York style.
Bogie: If you had to have one (and I’m not saying you do)… broccoli or green beans?
Mack: This is a great question because I actually LOVE broccoli! I make a mean broccoli cheddar cheese fondue casserole. It’s bangin. Be warned though, you will be tootin up a storm. The flatulence is well worth it though! Also make sure you are nowhere near an open flame in the hours after eating.
Bogie: Jersey Shore or Miami Vice?
Mack: To be perfectly honest Boge, I’m more of a Golden Girl bulldog. When I was a young pup my hooman made me watch it for hours on end and it grew on me. When I catch a marathon of The Golden Girls I get so excited for the old-lady shenanigans that are to follow. I would definitely say that my favorite character is Blanche. I just think she balances senior citizen sexuality with sophistication so gracefully. I am also a sucker for a Southern accent. Yea, I’m definitely a Blanche.
Bogie: Master Chef or Iron Chef?
Mack: Neither. Both are in the amateur league. I don’t waste my time on losers. I could teach them a thing or two. Next question.
Bogie: Cupcake Wars or Cake Boss? (yes, those are really TV shows…I had to google)
Mack: I make prettier “cupcakes” daily in the yard. If I had to pick, I guess Cake Boss because I love all things TLC”¦especially My 600 Pound Life.
Bogie: Chicken or Pork?
Mack: I feel guilty about eating swine because it reminds me so much of my frenemy @princess_and_general. For those of you who don’t know, Princess is constantly talking smack about my buddy @bigchunkymonkey and I. Now, we refer to her as “the oinker” which I think she secretly loves.
Bogie: Medium rare or medium well?
Mack: Medium well. I don’t like to see my cow still mooing. We are talking about steak right?
Bogie: Margaritas blended or on the rocks?
Mack: Tequila makes my clothes fall off. So margarita on the rocks. Let us not waste time with any of that frothy ice.
I’d like to thank you Bogie for taking the time out to interview me. I’m really happy I was given the opportunity to clear up some misconceptions about me.