So my boss recently decided he needed to lose a few lbs/kgs. Having just gone through my mom’s tumultuous sugar detox, I was not looking forward to another authority figure on a diet telling me what to do all day. Yesterday when I got into the office he was doing one-pawed pushups on his desk…or at least trying to. Then this morning he held a staff meeting (attendance was mandatory) to announce he’d be going on a three-day juice cleanse. “Great,” I sighed, looking over at my buddy Willis, “that means he’s going to be hangry for the next three days.”  

And he was. Barking orders left and right, assigning far-fetched stories to Lauren the Labradoodle and Dolly the Daschund—since when did The Droolitzer cover conspiracy theories about cats running Wall Street? Naturally I decided to lay extra low. Aiming for total invisibility, I moved my laptop under my desk. I’d been through this before. The last time my boss was on a diet he sent me to a pig farm in Iowa to write a story called Bacon: Who Needs it Anyway? There was no shame in hiding.

But eventually my luck ran out. A little before lunch I could hear the heavy pawsteps of our editor-in-charge getting closer and closer until they stopped in front of my makeshift bed/desk. In hindsight, pretending to be asleep at 11am probably wasn’t a good idea. I shuffled some papers around to look busy while he started talking.  

“There’s this interesting guy. He’s kind of local—lives on a commune or something—his people are vegan. Anyway, I want you to meet up with him and give me the scoop. Of course, find out if he has six-pack abs and then ask him if he’s more into kale or chard when it comes to juicing. You have a reservation at Café Gratitude in two hours. He’ll be expecting you.”

That was all. As the boss walked away I could hear Meaty chuckling to himself in the cubicle next to me. Café-Woofin-Gratitude is everybully’s worst nightmare. I’d have done the same if the tables were turned, but I’m a pro and go where the job takes me.

My pre-packed-day-duffle was ready to go but I borrowed a fresh notepad and some extra pencils from Priscilla the Poodle’s desk across the way. “She should be covering this one, not me,” I mumbled to no one in particular.

Before I left the office, I looked up Café G on Yelp.  I swallowed hard when I read, “My favorites are the macrobiotic bowl, “I Am Whole”, and the seasonal corn chowder.”  The names of the dishes alone (all of them vegan) were enough to make me think about faking a vet appointment. But I grabbed my gear, changed into my old beat-up pair of black high top converse sneaks, and headed out the door.  

I called Stella Barra Pizzeria en route and asked for The Bogie Special—a sausage pizza with extra pepperoni, bacon and cheese to-go. They know me well there. I hoped the pizza would tide me over.  

Driving and eating has never been a good combo for me, but I’m getting better at it the more I practice. As I parked my car on Rose Ave, I looked down at my watch: 12:55pm. I was right on time.  I wiped the cheese off my chin and waddled up to the front door. The hostess asked me for the name on the reservation.  “@wolfybullybaby” I said reading my assignment notes.

In a crowd of other canines and vegan yogi hipsters, I quickly spotted the coolest dog in the joint. That had to be the guy. He was wearing nothing but a pair of speedos and a napkin around his neck. The look was working. I made my way over.

Bogie: Wolfy, you’re seriously the only dude I’d ever meet here—and please no photos. If TMZ spots me slurping green smoothies and eating tempeh burgers on bean bread, my credibility is through. But seriously, it’s so awesome to finally meet you! And no, it’s totally not awkward that you brought your entire family along for the interview. Tell me, how many siblings do you have? Who is who?

Wolfy: Bogie! My man! Gee bro, you are actually more handsome in person! How do you keep your folds so squeaky clean?! Well man, I can’t tell you how pumped I am to be here with you (and my five siblings). I know you’d probably rather be chowing down on an Umami truffle burger help yourself to this I Am Fabulous (squash blossoms, heirloom tomatoes, spinach, cilantro pumpkin seed pesto, fresh corn, summer squash noodles, cashew queso fresco, raw cacao mole) with an I Am Sublime (orange, spinach, ginger, lime juice).

As for the embarrassing topic of my Brady Bunch family: Wooly Bully is my big (and I mean BIG) eight-year-old bulldog bro. He’s generally a pretty chill dude but likes licking my ears in an almost obsessive manner. My parents rescued him from Ace of Hearts about five years ago—actually all my siblings are rescues except for me. My mama calls me her natural born. Instead of her annual raise she was gifted me by the owners of the company she works for. Best. Raise. Ever. Duh.

That big pit-bull-dogo-argentinio mix is my bestie, Pluto. He likes to play ruff and party hard. He’s a man’s man but every so often lets me ride his back down the stairs—rightfully so considering he’s the size of a horse and all. My parent’s and I hit up the shelter a couple Novembers ago when I was a wee lad and it was brotherly-love at first sight. Pluto was the first dog we laid eyes on that day.

That tiny buff dude in the corner is Winky. He’s a loud mouth whippersnapper that my mama picked up at a shelter. Frankly he wants nothing to do with any of us and we are all quite alright with that.

The little runt pit bull is my only sister (thankfully). My mama fell in love with her while donating supplies to an LA shelter and couldn’t resist her pretty green eyes. Personally I would describe her more as a toy-stealing, bed-hogging, bark-a-holic, she-devil but I love her just the same.

Lastly, this little fluffer-nutter here on my left is my “unplanned” brother Barney. We found the poor chap on the side of the freeway. My parents set out to find him to a good home, and did in a manner of speaking. That home just ended up being mine. He’s a cool dude though and in his spare time doubles as a feather boa. But enough about my spotlight-stealing siblings. Lets move onto my speedo collection…I brought a couple to show you bro.

Bogie: Yeah, that is QUITE a speedo you’re wearing…but wait, how come you’re the only one tapped into social media?  Do the others get jealous that you have hoards of friends and are typically attending a birthday bash of some bully nearly every night?

Wolfy:  My old fashioned (emphasis on old) mother wasn’t into social media until she had me, and like any proud new mother, she all of a sudden had an urge to show me off to all of her friends…all two of them. She had no idea what she was getting into and that I would be making friends for life! I remember attending my very first pawty and her giving me a curfew of 9:30pm….luckily I met @winstonbdog who quickly showed me the ropes and introduced me to the world of moonshine cherries via Instagram. My siblings are envious to say the least so I take ‘em along every once and a while. My sneaky bro, Wooly, steals my phone every now and then which is NOT cool but I can’t blame him. My mamager/mama says managing my IG is full time and if any of my siblings want one they can talk to their dad.

Bogie: Fair enough!  Wolfy, I think you should tell us all a little about your name. Because I looked it up on Google and you look nothing like a Wolf… no offense…

Wolfy: My full name is Wolfgang Von Schnitzel the Great. Wolfgang because my parents are big classical music buffs, Von Schnitzel because it “flowed” and the Great because of it were the 1st that would elude to a second one and they said I’m one of a kind. You can call me Wolfy though. P.S. I totally look like Lon Chaney Jr’s Wolfman—just check out that grill, yo.

Bogie: Wowza, the resemblance is almost striking!!  Despite being really into food that tastes nothing like steak, you are pretty hip.  What kind of music are you into?  Alt-hipster?  Spoken word?  I’ve heard stand-up poetry is making a come back?  Oh…wait…aren’t you in a band with your dad??

Wolfy: My pops and I have jam sessions on the weekends where I double as a guitar every now and then. He also likes to sample my lyrics (mostly growls and gurgles) for his electronic music hoo-haw. To be perfectly honest I’m more of an old school rap fan myself. Ya know bro, Snoop, Dre, Pac, Biggie and yeah I’m totally going to see Straight Outta Compton. Um about that steak… #dontknockittillyoutryit. Seriously my fake bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandies are savory to the last drop!  You’ll be belting out, “I can’t believe it’s not bacon” before you know it Boges!

Bogie: Barf dude, barf.  And it’s no secret that you have a beautiful bully-lady in your life.  @penney_the_chinadoll_bulldozer is no stranger to the bully socialite scene either.  How did you two meet?  At a birthday pawty?  Tinder?  Bullymatch.com?  Give us the scoop!

Wolfy: My love Penney and I! Aw, what a fun time! It was last October and I had just started making it in the IG scene.  You know, I was perusing accounts, liking pics, following, commenting—just being social and viola! I came across her randomly! Her brindle beauty caught my eye and her china doll eyes sucked me in. I was weak in my knees before I really knew what my knees were! I did a little charming—some casual courting—and she took the bait! Best of all is I didn’t even realize she was in SoCal until later! Oh fate! It was in the stars for us! Best of all, she tolerates my wardrobe malfunctions and applauds my speedo collection. She’s a total gem bro—she makes me a better bully.

Bogie: Aww you two sound meant to be! I know this is pretty forward, but I think this juice is making my lips a little loose: Any plans for a ring and a date with Penny?  I know marriage can be a little stressful what with the long distance relationship and all, but @princessbuttcup and @spartacuspup have seemed to make it work…

Wolfy: Whoa bro! The M word! Well I’ve never been afraid of the big commitment and I’m a sensible bully—just how my mama raised me—so I plan on spending the rest of my life with Penney. Marriage will just be the natural progression of our special relationship and I can’t say I won’t be gaining a totally pawesome mother-in-law which is more than my mom could say when she married my pops….

Gee bro I hope I didn’t just jinx myself by talking about marriage! You have no idea how many bully dudes give my girl the eye everywhere we go. It’s exhausting dishing out all my don’t-even-think-about-it looks. If they don’t keep walking I just turn around and show them exactly why they shouldn’t mess with me. I have two reasons back there.

Bogie: And yes, yes you sure do!  How come I don’t have those reasons any more?  Wait…don’t answer that.  You have band practice in a bit, but want to squeeze in a lightening round?

Wolfy: Lightening round? I’m game bro…by the way can you sign my hose green colored speedo later??

Bogie: Woah, ummm, yeah? But that sounds slightly awkward Brah, I’ll be honest. Rye or Bourbon?

Wolfy: Neither. Sour mash all the way nothing beats a good old fashion Jack Daniels and a Johnny Walker on a Friday.

Bogie: I like your style. Bass or Guitar?

Wolfy: Guitar bro, come on I mean no offense to the bass wielders but my soul Bro @Harbar_thebulldog and I are thinking of starting a full on band together. Our generous dad’s have some vintage (which I think just means old and dusty) guitars they are willing to lend us. It is going to be Led Zeppelin meets The Smiths kinda sound. Very forward. Very eclectic.

Bogie: Wow, I’ll totally buy your EP.  Billy Idol or Billy Joel?

Wolfy: Eyes Without a Face.

Bogie: Inside or out?

Wolfy: Always out.

Bogie: Nerdy rad or gangsta cool?

Wolfy: Gangsta cool with a splash of suave.

Bogie: Speedos or board shorts?

Wolfy: Speedos of course, the question is always – which one!? You can help me decide that later bro, I brought a duffle bag full and I do not mind sharing. You look like a solid L.

Bogie: Yeah?  Do I?  Well I did gain 1.4 lbs last month. I’m 51 big ones which might be an L or a super big M? History or geography?

Wolfy: Math! Love my multiplication tables.

Bogie: Walks with Mom or sofa time with Dad?

Wolfy: Walks with mom (pick your jaw up) I’m a walk-a-holic. I take 3 to 4 per day and am full of vim and vinegar. Morning at 5:40am with sis and Barney, after that it’s Pluto and I. Then a car ride to a shady place with Wooly and lastly an evening stroll before dinner.

Bogie: Honestly I don’t even know what to say.  Dude, I think you have a walking problem. Maybe you need to talk to someone about it?  #maverickpose or #bullyfaceplant?

Wolfy: Where can I plant my face at this organic place?!

Bogie: Wolf Blitzer or Wolf Hoffman?

Wolfy: Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart!