I am not a garden hose addict. I’m a connoisseur of fine plastic tubing that happens to be manufactured for the purpose of watering grass and shrubs. There’s a big difference. But try explaining that to my mom or, even worse, my boss at the office. It started last Friday morning following an unfriendly altercation with José The Screen Shot 2015-09-01 at 4.14.30 PMGardener. He’d crossed the line (like always) but after several failed attempts to fire him once and for all, I decided to take the high road and simply leave for work—right after packing up my entire garden hose collection so I could take it with me. In case you’ve forgotten, it was about this time last year that José had the audacity to gather all 17 of my vintage hoses (a top-of-the-line assortment of irreplaceable colors, lengths and thicknesses) and toss them in the recycling bin. I don’t want to go into too much detail here but neither myself, nor my collection has yet to fully recover. I had to start over from scratch and my stockpile still isn’t anywhere near where I want it to be.  

Friday was by no means the first time I’d brought a garden hose into the office, but it was the first time I’d dragged 45 pounds of various kinds through Droolitzer headquarters. They didn’t all fit in my cubicle so I asked Meaty if he wouldn’t mind stashing some for me. My boss must have been in a bad mood because when he came to my desk and saw half of my new 2015 neon green, BPA-free hose softly dangling from my jowls he lost it.  Something about “unprofessional” this and “you’ve got a real problem” that—I don’t remember his exact words but the boss was so beside himself that he called my parents.  Who does that??

Shortly after getting chewed out at my desk, I got paged into his office over the intercom. I contemplated bringing my vintage 2013 earthy red hose along for the Screen Shot 2015-09-01 at 4.12.24 PMmeeting, but Meaty said I probably shouldn’t. I waddled in and had a seat on the cold concrete floor. My boss had a concerned look on his face when he said, “I just got off the phone with your parents and we feel like you’re in need of an intervention.”  

“Dog, not again!” I mumbled. But it was too late. He handed me a pre-packed duffle, explaining that my mom had anticipated this moment might come. It contained a pair of Bermudas, a visor,  SPF 50, my notepad, two freshly sharpened pencils, my Ray-Ban aviator sunnies and my old stainless steel puppy bowl. I thought the bowl was an odd addition but found the rest of the sunshine gear fairly encouraging. But what was all this about?

I’ll be the first to admit that the drought in California is serious, but that’s why I’m hyper-conscious of my aquatic pawprint—half the time I don’t even care if there’s water in my hoses or not. My boss explained, however, that they felt it was environmentally necessary for me to start exploring other hobbies “outside the fascinating world of residential irrigation.” He went on to say that there was this guy in Tampa, Florida who they thought I should meet. Apparently, he had his own hobbies that they thought I might find inspiring. His name was Theo, but he was most well known on social media as @bulldog_dad.  

After calling a cab to meet me downstairs, my boss handed me my flight info. Meh, a redeye. He said I had to leave all my garden hoses behind—woofing something about doing all this out of love and concern. Whatever. I grabbed my duffle and headed toward the elevator, making a very quick detour to snatch my 2012 travel sizedScreen Shot 2015-09-01 at 4.13.29 PM blue garden hose…What my boss didn’t know, wouldn’t kill him.

The flight was a breeze and though the weather in Tampa was a bit more humid than I’m accustomed to, it felt not unlike southern California. I hopped into another cab and headed for Theo’s house. I looked down at my watch as the driver slowed.  It was 9:25am and, though I was a little groggy, I began to get excited to meet this dude. Surely a fine collector of goods such as himself could appreciate my interest in gardening paraphernalia.  

I knocked once and a sophisticated pooch answered the door immediately.  He introduced himself as Mr. Mortimer and ushered me out back to the pool where Theo, a fine specimen of a bulldog, was sleep-sitting with an impressively large food bowl hanging out of his mouth. I approached carefully, not wanting to disturb his delicate arrangement.

Bogie: Theo, it’s really such a pleasure to meet you!  Here, I brought you this.  It’s not much, just my old stainless steel puppy bowl that my jowls outgrew.  My boss told me to give it to you after the interview.  Lame, but I hope that’s cool?  So buddy, tell me a little bit about yourself. I have you pegged as an East Coaster, but really I know very little.  Age, siblings, social security number?  You know… the usual.

Theo: Good guess! I was born in northern New Jersey (Bergen County) and lived there for about 6 months before my family moved to Tampa, FL. I’m now almost four, Screen Shot 2015-09-01 at 4.16.58 PMso I’m used to the Florida way of life. It gets really hot here, so I stay indoors a lot, but that is perfectly fine with me. In the winter though, when it’s in the 70s, my parents take us all to the dog beach and I get to chase the other dogs in the shallow water. I can’t keep up with them (I like to chase the Golden Retrievers and Labradors), but I do my best. Sometimes, if I get really involved with the other dogs, mom and dad put a life jacket on me so I don’t sink. It’s kind of embarrassing since I’m one of the only dogs with one on. Talk about a hit to the street cred!

I have one sister, Rosie, who is six and a brother, Mr. Mortimer, who we think is four. I love Rosie and always like to be around her, but she kind of gets annoyed with me when I’m playing with my bowls. If I bang them around too much, she runs at me and growls until I stop. Once I stop and pick it up, she goes back to the couch and sleeps. Mr. Mortimer’s the newest member of the family. He came to live with us almost a year ago. He was in the local shelter, dirty and scared, so my parents went and rescued him. It took a few months for him not to be scared, but now he is a happy guy and loves living with us. I also have two human brothers and one human sister, so we have a very busy household!Screen Shot 2015-09-01 at 4.21.29 PM

Bogie: Wow, Man!!  First of all I’m sorry about the life jacket.  It’s kind of like training wheels on a bike in sixth grade, but hey #safetyfirst.  Sounds like you have a huge family!  Never a dull moment I’m sure. So I hear you’re a collector of fine things—namely stainless steel bowls. Tell me a little bit about this hobby of yours?  Or is it much more serious than that?

Theo: I LOVE bowls! Ever since I was a puppy that’s all I ever wanted to play with. The thing about bowls (which nobody else seems to realize) is that they are way more than something you eat out of. You can, for example, kick them around like a soccer ball, push them really fast across the floor with your nose and ram them into walls, stack them, un-stack them, put them on coffee tables and flick them off with your nose so you can chase them, pick them up and drop them on hard surfaces to make tons of noise (mom & dad LOVE when I do that! They always say “THEO, NO BOWL!!!’ when I do it! I have no idea what that means, but I’m sure they are just rooting me on!), lick them and, when you’re tired, you can sleep with them. So, as you can see they are much more than just something you eat out of!

Bogie: No way Bro!  I’m terrified of the sound mine makes when it moves even the littlest bit.  You must be really brave and/or wear earplugs.  How old were you when Screen Shot 2015-09-01 at 4.22.37 PMyou found your first bowl?

Theo: I found my first bowl when I was just a few months old. My parents would put water in it for Rosie and me but, when we weren’t drinking it, I would stand in it and try to play with it. It was normally too heavy, but sometimes if we drank enough of the water, I could flip it over and push it around. I also liked to push around my food bowls, which were small and plastic. I would get frustrated though because they were almost impossible to pick up because they didn’t have a lip on them. Mom and dad noticed this, so they got little steel bowls for me to eat out of and then play with. Perfect!

Bogie: Wow, your parents are so well trained! Can I ask you how you found them a little later…off the record? Anyway, how many bowls do you have in your collection?

Theo: I think I have close to twenty bowls currently. There are two main reasons for this. First, because I am always carrying them around, I tend to misplace them. For example, every morning when I wake up and go to the bathroom, I always have to carry a bowl outside with me. Most times I leave it out there because once I go to the bathroom, all I can think about is eating, so I rush back inside for breakfast. I also kick them around a lot, so they get hidden under cabinets, couches, chairs, etc. Because I misplace them, my parents have had to buy quite a few! I also dump the water bowl and carry it around if I can’t find a smaller bowl, and my parents don’t like when I do that for reasons still Screen Shot 2015-09-01 at 4.22.13 PMunknown to me. Second, one day we got a package from Bergan Pet Products that had TONS of bowls. They had seen videos of me on Instagram carrying my bowls around and they thought it would be great to send me one of every stainless steel bowl that they make! So not only did I get tons of bowls, but I got all different sizes! At the end of the day, you can never have enough bowls!

Bogie: You’re being humble, but really readers should know you’re kind of a big deal on Instagram.  I mean just last night my dad spent a good part of an hour watching your videos.  You might be his favorite bully on IG – just sayin’… Do you share your bowls with Rosie or Mr. Mortimer?

Theo: Rosie and Mortimer have no interest in bowls at all. I don’t get it, but I’m not going to fight it. It’s their loss. When we eat, sometimes the bowls are kind of ‘gross’ because I lick all of them and they get stuff stuck to them. Then mom and dad have to wash them off before putting food in them because if they don’t, Mr. Mortimer and Rosie don’t like it very much. The best part about them not having interest in my collection is that I get to clean all three bowls after every meal! I always finish first, and then I hover around them until they finish. Sometimes I stand about three inches from their face and they growl at me (don’t really understand why?), but Screen Shot 2015-09-01 at 4.12.07 PMonce they are done I immediately lick the bowls clean of all dog food debris. I then bring all three bowls into the room with Mom and Dad. Sometimes I bring them out individually, but I also like to stack them and then bring them out.

Bogie: Put a garden hose in front of me and I get it, but put an empty bowl in front of me and I’m like, huh?  Maybe I’m missing out though.  What happens when they have to be, ug, washed?

Theo: Ugggghhh…I really don’t like when they get washed. If I see them on the counter I cry and try to get them. Don’t worry, it’s a manly cry.  My vertical needs some work, so I’ve yet to rescue one. What I tend to do is wait until my parents put them in the dishwasher. Once they do, I run as fast as I can and grab them out, and then sprint into the other room. My dad caught a video of me doing this, which was kind of embarrassing but soooo worth it.

Bogie: This sounds more like a way of life than anything, Dude.  I’m really in awe of you!  Sure, sure, I have my garden hose collection, but it’s more of an outside career.  Are your bowls both indoor and outdoor friendly?

Theo: My bowls travel with me wherever I go. My mom and dad are good about bringing the bowls I leave outside, back in the house for me. If I leave too many outside, and can’t find any in the house, I’ll just dump the water bowl and carry it around. This drives my dad crazy! The bowls I leave outside can also get VERY hot in the Florida sun, so my parents make sure that when they bring them in, they aren’t too hot. If they are, they put them under cold water so that they cool down. I don’t wantScreen Shot 2015-09-01 at 4.07.17 PM to burn my lips! I also like to bring one with me when I go for rides in the car. The kids go to school almost every morning, so I like to grab a bowl and sit in the front seat to make sure they get there safely. Most trips though I fall asleep before we leave the neighborhood, so I really don’t know if they get there safely, but my mom always looks calm so I can only assume everything works out!

Bogie: Your watchdog intentions are really top notch.  It’s the thought that counts after all.  I have to ask, do you have a walking bowl?  You know, one that you take with you when you have to walk your people?

Theo: I have mixed feelings when it comes to walks and bowls. When we go outside there are normally people we see and, when we do, all I want is some pats. If I have my bowl with me, I’ll drop it to get those pats, but once it hits the ground, the sound of it clanging makes me want to play with it! So I’ll pick it up, but then realize I want to the pats. It’s all very confusing, so my parents think its best if they just leave it at home so I can focus on getting pats from nice strangers.

Bogie: What a stressful cycle and tough decision. But It sounds like bowl-less walks are best. Have you ever met a bowl you didn’t like?  It’s cool, you can be totally honest.  

Screen Shot 2015-09-01 at 4.11.25 PMTheo: Is this a trick question?! I’ve NEVER met a bowl I didn’t like. I even went to a bulldog meet up and stood in this HUGE water bowl the whole time. The other dogs must have not seen it because they were just running around chasing each other. Fools!

Bogie: Ok, so you wake up and it’s early-ish—what happens next? In other words, what does a day in the life of Theo look like?

Theo: It’s hard to give you a typical day, because every day is so different. I have different relationships with people that come to the house throughout the week. For example, our pool guy is a really nice guy and brings me treats. He even lets me follow him around the pool when he cleans it. The lawn guys on the other hand I do NOT like. They have loud machines and I have to protect my parents and brothers and sisters from them. I don’t go outside, but I definitely give them a piece of my mind from the living room! Anyway, I digress. My mornings normally start way too early with my mom making me, Rosie and Mr. Mortimer go to the bathroom. The upside is I know once I go to theScreen Shot 2015-09-01 at 4.10.26 PM bathroom, it’s BREAKFAST TIME! After chowing down for approximately 17 seconds, I wait for the others to finish before cleaning their bowls and carry them all into the living room. I’ll try to squeeze in a quick hour nap, but then it’s off to school with the kids. Sometimes I don’t wake up, so I miss out on the ride. Dang it! After that I hang out with my bro and sis for the afternoon— napping with the occasional romp with a bowl or two. Then the kids get home from school so I get to play with them and normally sleep at their feet while they do their homework. After that, it’s dinner time and then off to bed.

Bogie: Oh my Dog, you’re so spot on about the lawn guys. If they’re anything like José, DO NOT trust them. He stole my entire hose collection right before my very eyes watching him from my forbidden sofa.  Don’t get me started.  So, uh, Big T, that drool puddle you’ve created over my/your puppy bowl is starting to creep my way.  Think we can squeeze in a lightening round before I slide away?

Theo: Let’s do it!

Bogie: Stainless steel or platinum?

Theo: Stainless steel. Light, flexible, durable….the only way to go.

Screen Shot 2015-09-01 at 4.15.37 PMBogie: Sofas or tables (to sleep on)?

Theo: Sofa for long naps (preferably on the back cushion for maximum comfort), but tables for the combo nap/tummy cool down.

Bogie: Small, medium or large bowl?

Theo: I thought this was going to be an easy interview! It’s like choosing which family member I like best! Paw to the fire, I’d have to go with small.

Bogie: Friday or Sunday?

Theo: Friday! Five laps to sleep/sit on!

Bogie: Hoarder or aficionado?

Theo: Hoarder.

Bogie: Swimming or sun bathing?Screen Shot 2015-09-01 at 4.18.58 PM

Theo: Sun bathing. Water scares me, but I love catching those rays!

Bogie: Theodore Roosevelt or Theodore W. Richards?

Theo: Theodore Seville (The Chipmunks!). That’s where my human brothers and sisters got my name from! Now.where’s that bowl you promised me?!