Yo Boges,

I’ve got a big problem. Huge. Like. Monu-woofing-mental. My human (who calls itself mom) walks me in flip-flops. Let me get straight to the point: I eat them because I don’t want to walk. The taste is an added benefit that I don’t hate, HOWEVER, my human keeps replacing them over and over regardless of how continually (and thoroughly) I destroy them. How can I convey my point (Admiral no walky) while stopping this annoyingly repetitive, albeit tasty behavior? I should also add that I do #yogaeverydamnday so I’m not worried about my figure.

Sincerely your student,

Admiral

Atta-Boy-Addy,

First of all, considering your handling of this matter so far, it’s no mystery how you managed to achieve the distinguished rank of Admiral. You’re clearly a born strategist. Operation: chew-every-single-pair-of-flip-flops? Brilliant. But it’s also clear that your human is irrationally committed to taking you on walks while wearing the equivalent of noisy marshmallows on her feet. Let’s be honest, she sounds like a toughy to train. Short of bringing your well-reasoned tactic to the flip-flop factory (which I haven’t totally ruled out yet) I think we have to come at this issue from a completely different angle. It’s time to get cerebral.

Picture this:

It’s Sunday morning and she’s ready for her walk. But instead of having another go at her latest pair of gummy-bear-shoes you turn on the charm””you pretend to be really excited for this pedestrian affair. She’s thrilled! Off you go, heeling like a pro until”¦you get to the end of the driveway at which point you come to a sudden and definitive HALT. She looks at you in her lightly gnawed-on flip-flops and commands “Admiral, come”. But you do not. No, at this point it’s imperative you cease engaging on her level entirely. In exactly the following order you must: 1) Lie down. 2) Refuse to budge.

Make no mistake, you are now engaged in a psychological skirmish with enormous future implications. DO NOT make eye contact. You’ve made your move. Your person and her taffy-like footwear are now faced with some key decisions of their own. If she surrenders and turns back toward home, you’ve won this round. Nice work. Reward her with a spring in your step and any additional positive reinforcement you find appropriate. But something tells me you won’t get off so easy. She obviously wants her walk and, furthermore, you to be on it. Okay. But how badly? Phase 2: determine the limits of her commitment to having you be a part of this activity. Look, you’re a team player who’s willing to go the extra mile if she is. And there’s nothing wrong with taking in the sights on a Sunday morning provided it’s leisurely. Am I right? The solution is obvious then, Admiral. She needs to carry you.

Naturally, give your person time to realize that this option is (mostly) in her best interest””human training is all about helping them see the forest through the trees. While she gets to work her arms and legs, you get to relax and enjoy the scents and surroundings”¦together. PESto! Another problem neutralized.

Thank you for your service,

Boges