Dear Bogie,
I am plagued with a problem that I am certain most of your readers (if not all) have never experienced. I am at my wits end and am reaching out to you as my last chance before I am forced to take drastic measures. I will take any advice I can get. I have suffered in shameful silence for far too long. It is time for me to speak out and spread awareness to what happens behind closed doors. Help me Bogie you are my only hope.
It all started out as a simple game of me romping around with my Dad (always a fun time) until one day he got the bright idea to ask me if I wanted a Wet Willy. I, being the loving, trusting and naïve bulldog that I am said, “sure why not, it sounds great to me!”
Anything that either of my parents have ever offered me in the past has always turned out to be pretty awesome, so why would this be any different? My dad then proceeded to stick a finger in his mouth (a little weird, but ok let’s see where this goes), and then he had the audacity to stick that same finger in my ear! I was dumbfounded and completely grossed out. At first, I did not know what to do so I just growled and nipped at his hand and he looked at me as if I was the bad guy! Can you believe it!?!?
Since that one fateful night, Wet Willy’s have been an all too common occurrence here at my house. It has even turned into my own personal House of Horrors party trick. Now when my parents have their friends over they tell them to ask me if I want a Wet Willy. Then these friends look amazed that I actually know what a Wet Willy is. I am a dog people I am not stupid! Of course I know what a Wet Willy is, and “No” I do not want one thank you very much. It is one thing when my dad does it, but strangers no way. I have no idea where those fingers have been and what they have touched, you really think I want you to stick your nasty finger that you licked in my ear.
I have tried growling, barking, air biting, and hiding. I do not know what else I can do to stop this madness. I just want this to end. I love my parents, but I do not know how much longer I can tolerate these shenanigans. If you or any of your readers have any tips for me, I would be so greatly appreciative. If anyone ever asks any of you if you want a Wet Willy, take it from me and just say NO!
Desperately seeking solutions,
Unlucky Lulu,
This is diabolical. Any chance your humans are, in reality, cats wearing people costumes? Have you checked? Recently? Ninja-like reflexes, unfunny jokes, erratic behavior indicating a smug sense of superiority””it all sounds suspiciously feline. Anyway, you’re better than this. The only thing I can think of, in order to end the madness once and for all, is retaliation on a massive scale. Whether your parents are who they say are, or not, I’d be willing to wager that you are capable of producing more saliva in any given minute than (probably) both of them combined. You sound like a classy-lassie, but you’re gonna need to use your capacity to drool to your advantage. You’re also gonna want to employ the element of surprise. I suggest, perhaps, waiting until your dad (if that is even his real name) drifts into a peaceful and restorative sleep after a particularly long day. While you’re waiting, stockpile saliva in your mouth like you were gonna need it to put out a fire or fill a bathtub. When you’re sure he’s asleep, make your way over to his head on the pillow. More specifically, tiptoe over to one of his ears. When you’re directly above your target, and fairly certain gravity will guide a large percentage of the liquid down into his ear canal, open the floodgates. What you do next is entirely up to you. On one paw, you could bark really loud and jump up and down on the bed to illustrate how, you finally get it, wet willies are so much fun! On the other paw, and this might be the best thing given the circumstances, you could flee the scene and pretend like nothing happened. Regardless, they will have plenty of time to think about how funny wet willies are as they change the sheets.
In solidarity,
Bogie
Brilliant!