It’s Ollie again. I got another problem here, and thought you were probably the best man to go to after helping with my evening walk problem (thank goodness that’s over). As silly as this sounds, this problem is major: The mornings are always cold, and by cold, I mean freezing! Instead of turning the fire on in the electric fireplace and bringing me a cup of warm chicken broth, Mom decides to put me in this ridiculous sweater! It’s green and blue, and possibly the ugliest thing I have ever seen. If your going to dress me, dress me well. Afterwards, when the weather warms up, she puts me on this hideous t-shirt; it has huge white letters on it spelling “CALL ME BOSS”. If I was a boss, I wouldn’t even be wearing such unappealing clothing, right? Please help me with this problem, I’m desperate and need your advice.
Oh geez Olls,
This sounds like a legit fashion emergency to me. I almost want to call Bone Rivers to hear what she has to say, but I’m afraid it will be encouraging your mother and Dog knows we don’t want that happening.
As the weather is warming up now, I think it’s safe to say your sweater is stored and the t-shirt has come out. You poor dude. What makes this situation all the more grim is that I’m sure that BOSS tee is the only one she could/can/will find in your size because, let’s face it, we’re more of a made-to-measure breed. If a top is the right length, it’s not wide enough and if it’s wide enough it will be long enough for a Great Dane. One time my mom found a shirt that fit me. It was on the clearance rack, 80% off. Know why? Only ripped, chesty specimens such as ourselves could ever fit into it. When you do the math that’s like .00000006% of the population.
I have an idea, but it’s going to take a bit of work on your end. You’re going to need to out grow your clothes. Slimming down ain’t gonna cut it— I’m talking bulk. When your mom cooks meatloaf and places it on the counter to cool, you’re going to need to (somehow) jump up and eat it. When you walk by a Starbucks you’re going to need to make eye contact with that punk rock barista so she makes you your very own puppuccino with extra whip. You’re also going to need to be even less active than usual. Keep in mind moving burns calories and if you’re going to out grow a tee shirt, you’re going to have pretty much not move all day. Do you see where I’m going with this?
Come June when your mom wants to show you off at the Saturday Farmer’s Market or, better yet, the next bully meet up, she’s going to attempt to slip your shirt over those extra neck rolls. Let her. But when she goes to tug your paws through the sleeve holes and the cotton rips because your biceps bulked up two inches, you can smile inside and know that you won this.
Stay calm and don’t move my friend,