My job is always a little nerve wracking””so many variables and uncertainties. I never know, for example, what sort of reaction I’ll get when I ask canine celebs my hard-hitting, up-close-and-personal questions. I also need to be ready to travel at a moments notice because, it turns out, classy bulldogs are a worldwide phenomenon. When I got the memo that I’d be heading to the east coast this week, I planned for the unexpected: snow boots, parka, fleece, knit cap, scarf, sunnies, wine, tequila, my notepad and two pens in case one didn’t work. A wise man once told me, “whatever is worth doing, is worth overdoing.”

My destination: Martha’s Vineyard to meet the enchanting, amazing (and usually thirsty) Ms. Holly Woods. My tripScreen Shot 2015-03-24 at 8.37.54 PM itinerary simply read: Hollywood at The Vineyard. Typical, I thought to myself, Siri and her over achieving autocorrect. I made a scribble in my notepad: chat with Siri later. I was nearing the address Woods’ people had given me and had to focus on the task at hand. Remain calm, I told myself, and whatever you do, don’t drink on the job.

I looked down at my watch””8:30 a.m””I was right on time. Just as I was about to ring the bell, the door swung open with more enthusiasm than I expected at that hour. Holly Woods was up and at ”˜em, looking gorgeous. She showed me around her cushy pad and then let me have a seat on her pristine white sofa. The interview was off to a VERY good start.

Bogie: Hey Holly, it’s so great to see you girl. I had no idea you lived on an island. For some reason I thought “Holly Woods” was LA-based. By the way, you have the coolest name ever. Are you originally from the left coast? Is the Vineyard where you call home now?

Holly: Hey Boges. Not many people know this, but I’m originally from the Midwest””the Buckeye State to be exact. It wasn’t for me though, so at a young age I packed up and moved to the east coast.  I spent most of my puppyhood in Boston, but these days I’m living the island life on Martha’s Vineyard. As far as islands go this one is pretty solid, but the winters are a bit ruff and not exactly to my liking.  Also, there are no wine vineyards here. What’s up with that? Any who, my momager is currently scouting locations for seasonal digs in Palm Springs.  It’s very old Hollywood, much like myself.  Wouldn’t you agree?

Bogie: Ummm I’m not so sure about Palm Springs and old Hollywood, but we can talk about that later. In my work notes I was explicitly told to “bring wine.” I thought it a little odd seeing as how it’s breakfast time. Do you, by chance, identify with the term “wino”?

Holly: Boges, I’m not a wino”¦I’m a wine-YES!  But seriously, I do know a thing or two about the sweet nectar of the vine.  For instance, I’m pretty sure red wine comes from red grapes and white wine comes from white grapes.  It’s all very technical.

Bogie: Geez, sounds confusing. Whatever you’re doing clearly works, you always look so svelte. Is there a secret diet you ascribe to?

Holly: I try to maintain a pretty well balanced diet”¦equal parts kibble, cookies and fermented grape juice.  Sometimes red grape juice stains my jowls purple and slurs my barks”¦but hey, I’ve got to get my antioxidants somehow.

Screen Shot 2015-03-24 at 8.36.54 PMBogie: Stains your jowls? How about stains this luxurious white sofa? Most readers know that I have a white (ok, it’s cream) sofa that I’m forbidden to be on, but summit daily.  You actually have a white sofa and it seems as though you’re allowed on it. True or False?

Holly: True, but I didn’t always have it so easy.  For a brief period in my early puppyhood, I’ll say five”¦maybe even ten minutes, my mother had a “no dogs on the furniture” rule.  I don’t like to talk about that bleak period in my life.  Next question, please.

Bogie: That must have been so hard for you. Ok, let’s not dwell on the past. When you’re not partying (which isn’t often) you’ve been spotted hitting the beach.  Do you surf?  Wake board? Boogie board? How do you keep from getting sun-burned?

Holly: Not to toot my own horn too much, but I’m pretty much a rock star at the beach. I swim, I surf (boogie boards are for amateurs), even sign pawtographs and pose for pictures with my fans sometimes. I wear waterproof sunblock to prevent over sunning my buns”¦but not the spray kind because that turned my fur orange once. It was not a good look for me.  Bone Rivers would have had a field day.

Bogie: Bone Rivers, the name synonymous with all things fashion and gossip. I try my best to ignore her. Anyway not every bully knows, but you’re not single.  The lucky chump’s name is Admiral and you guys totally seem to be the perfect fit.  There has, however; been some chatter about the #reverseagegap.  Words like “cougar” have even been tossed around.  How do you feel about this?  How did you two meet in the first place?

Holly: I’m glad you brought this up, Boges.  I’m about 17 dog years older than my little love nugget, Admiral. It all began when Addy saw my hot dance moves in the music video I starred in for the song “Booty Work”.  He immediately enlisted the help of his aspiring matchmaker buddy, Mack, and the rest is history. I’m pretty sure our brokered love connection is what catapulted Mack to fame as host of #BeauTheBachelor.  I’m told the show was just recently picked up for a second season.

Bogie: That’s something to look forward to. Please, continue.

Holly: As far as the “cougar” word goes, it doesn’t bother me one bit. Addy is an old soul. Very mature and romantical.   Just last month he surprised me with a box full of chewy squeak toys for Valentine’s Day. Meanwhile, the following week I maybe possibly accidentally ate his birthday cookie like an unsupervised puppy at a pawty. So Boges, age is clearly just a number.  Unless we’re taking about wine again, then age is kinda important”¦

Bogie: It sounds like true love to me. Have you guys talked about taking the next step?  You know…moving in together?

Holly: This is a little embarrassing to admit, but I still kinda sorta live with my mother.  I know, I know”¦at my age who still lives with their MOM?   It’s not that I don’t want to move out, but I could never afford a decent place on my pitiful allowance.  You wouldn’t believe how little I get paid to lick dishes. Plus, I don’t think cookies are an acceptable form of payment in most places anyway. But hey, if Admiral could figure out the cookie sitch”¦I’d love to live in sin with my little love nugget.

Bogie: Who am I to judge? I still live with my parents rent free. Talk about enablers. I mean”¦really.  How about we switch gears and go for a lightening round?

Holly: Perfect.  Can we break for some bevvies too?Screen Shot 2015-03-24 at 8.38.34 PM

Bogie: Sure, I’ll have a water, neat, no lime. I’m technically on the job Holls. Which do you prefer red or white wine?

Holly: That’s a real toughie. I had a California chardognay the other night that would make you drool (more than usual)”¦but a good merlot makes me feel all warm & fuzzy inside. Like that feeling you get when you’re all curled up on the forbidden sofa.  I choose both.

Bogie: Tequila or Whiskey?

Holly: Tequila, obviously.  You do know I have a personal pawgarita machine, right?

Bogie: Rubber ducks or rubber chickens?

Holly: Ok I know you’re real tight with Robert T.R.  Chicken and all, but ducks all the way.  I have a whole fleet of them.  Some of them are missing heads and stuff, but they’re just so damn adorable.  I love to pinch their little cheeks”¦with my teeth.

Bogie: Pacific or Atlantic?

Holly: Atlantic.  I’m still on the Vineyard bro, remember? You’re literally sitting on my White Sofa.  Right now. In my office. On the island.  I can’t have the locals thinking I’m a left coast sell-out. What would that do for my street cred?  Next question.

Bogie: Brad Pit or Johnny Depp?

Holly: Neither.  Haven’t we already established that I’m a cougar who likes younger men?   But I mean if I had to choose”¦Captain Jack Sparrow would probably be a real hoot at yappy hour.

Bogie: Skinny or boot-cut?

Holly: Umm”¦why are Jeggings not an option?

Bogie: Uber or cab?

Holly: It all depends.  Where am I going?  Will there be pawktails?  If I’m going to an afternoon-park-hang or something, probably Uber.  I like to arrive in style and the bottled water me feel fancy. But if I’m heading home from a boozy night out, maybe definitely a cab. My manners & fanciness will probably be out the window by then and I don’t need a judgey Uber rating.

Bogie: Dinner or drinks?

Holly: Drinks, duh.  Do you even know me?  Why would you even ask that?  I have Lindsay Lohan on speed dial.  Wait, is this an intervention?

Bogie: Life jacket or bikini?

Screen Shot 2015-03-24 at 8.35.08 PMHolly: Life jacket.  When I’m not surfing monster waves up and down the Atlantic, I sunbathe in the buff. Tan lines are so trashy.  I’m all about class.

Bogie: Hot Mess or hot mess?

Holly: Hot Mess.  It’s a proper noun and deserves to be treated and respected like one.  Same goes for Hot Mess Express and Hot Messery.

Bogie: Well that pretty much does it!  Is there anything you’d like to add?  Clean up any TMZ rumors that may be circulating?

Holly: Yes.  I think there’s a misconception out there that I’m an out of control pawty animal.  Sure, I enjoy the occasional case of wine”¦who doesn’t? But I’m able to effortlessly balance my extensive daytime responsibilities (head of household security, kitchen supervisor, bathroom attendant”¦the list goes on) with my nightly pawty commitments that sometimes run into the wee hours. Did I mention I also do a little modeling?  I don’t have a contract or anything”¦I’m still in that annoying phase where I’m waiting to be discovered.  I’m basically a modern day Renaissance Woman.