Opinion of the Week

8 Things to Consider When Finding Your Dream Home

By Bogie T. Bulldog 
March 19, 2016

My folks and I have decided to move into a new home this summer. As a result, my mom has swapped her Instagram addiction for Pinterest—you’d be amazed at the number of hours that girl can spend looking up “small”, “house”, IMG_1109“storage”, “modern”, “white”, “kitchen”. I’m almost a little bit concerned, but truth is I have enough in my bowl to worry about without correcting her time management habits (or lack there of). Anyway, moving can be easy as long as you know what you’re looking for in a home. Thankfully I do. Here’s the rundown:

1. Square footage of house, per se, does not matter.

Yard space is the most important factor. I’ve always been confused as to why my people concern themselves so much with the amount of interior space. Their priorities are, in my ever so humble opinion, out of whack. Homes are for sleeping, the great outdoors are what really matters. Looks like living in Los Angeles is going to warrant some compromise, but I’ve been pushing for at least an acre or two of green grass.

2. Security to save you from yourself

The next (almost equally) important factor to consider when searching for a new home is protection—your enormous yard should have an impenetrable perimeter. Yes, this cannot be overstated. Back when I was just a pup I was hanging out in my friend Rupert’s gateless front yard when a poodle had the audacity to walk by! Nevermind what happened IMG_8322next, but I can assure you the whole thing could’ve been avoided had there been a wall, hedge or fence between me and the poof ball.

3. Neighbors are hit-or-miss, communicate often

Your yard is only as great as your next-door neighbors. (Feel free to quote me on that.) You can have the greenest grass in the hood but if you live next to a Chihuahua with separation anxiety you may as well live in a bottom floor apartment. Seriously. I happen to currently only have one neighbor and he’s a nice enough fellow—young pup, goes by Watson. Occasionally I have to bark orders at him, but he’s new in town and open to hearing what I have to say.

4. Kitchens are everything but…

Marble countertops mean nothing. Neither does real or fake hardwood floors, closet space, blah, blah, blah—it’s all a marketing scheme to get your people to fork over some more dough. What really matters is the height of the kitchen counters. Assuming most of you reading this are blessed with a physique similar to mine, counter tops should never be over 36” high. This will ensure your ability to sample the Thanksgiving turkey, New Year’s caviar, a holiday roast or whatever your people forgot to put away in the morning. You can thank me later.

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